Things that will make life worth living this summer

July 4th: Labour oust Tories in general election.

July 5th: 70% of British media start as they mean to go for the next five years, telling Starmer his administration is doomed.

July the Inevitableteenth: England crash out of Euro24. Riots breaks out in Hartlepool FC car park. Endless autopsies in media and saloon bars on the cold, dead corpse of English football.

July the Verysoonteeth: last of our great hopes trips over his or her racquet swiping hopelessly at an ace and crashes out of Wimbledon. Endless autopsies on the hardly ever breathing corpse of British tennis.

August Bank Holiday: Angela Rayner leads cavalry charge of disaffected trade unionists on donkeys on Blackpool beach, shouting "No Gods! No Starmers!" 100% of media endlessly repeat that Labour and the country are doomed.

July - September: England start thrilling chain of humiliating cricket defeats. Autopsies break out in media and long rooms across the nation on the pearly white corpse of English cricket.

Olympics: Team GB athletes finish seventh out of eight in almost every event. Surprise winner of the bronze in synchronised ludo is given a knighthood and elected leader of the Conservative Party. Later defects to Reform UK.

(This doesn't seem much to live for. You're fired - Ed)

November: Trump wins election and persuades UK government to make Farage ambassador to Washington. Farage leaves UK for the next several years.

(That's a bit more like it. I'll think about rehiring you - Ed)

Cycling clubs are keen to keen to use Jude Bellingham’s equaliser to justify their existence

The President of the British Cycling Association has applauded Jude Bellingham’s “Roy of the Rovers” style bicycle kick, that allowed England to equalise the score late in the match against Slovakia as an example of why cyclists need to be tolerated on busy, crowded roads.

'We are going to start practising with the Goodies' trandem to see if we can train three footballers to bicycle kick in unison, which could help England if one of them misses the cross' he went on.

Due to system glitch Euro 24 VAR only allowing own goals

Due to a bug in the VAR programme, the only way players can get a goal to stand at this year’s Euros is by sticking one in their own net, it has been reported.

From disallowing goals if a player is even standing on the same pitch as the opposition’s keeper, to calculating offside to within an eighth of an inch of an amoeba’s eyelash, VAR is cancelling goals left, right, and definitely centre of the six-yard box at this tournament. With the human video assistant referees seemingly more powerless to override the computer’s decisions than a wronged sub postmaster on Horizon, increasingly frustrated players are finding the only way to bypass the system is to deliberately score own goals just to get their name on the score board.

If the issue is not resolved before the last 16 matches, this year’s Golden Boot will be awarded to the player who scores the most goals to knock their own team out of the tournament. England are considered to have an unfair advantage under this scenario.

Image: planet_fox - Pixabay

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