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Things that will make life worth living this summer




July 4th: Labour oust Tories in general election.


July 5th: 70% of British media start as they mean to go for the next five years, telling Starmer his administration is doomed.


July the Inevitableteenth: England crash out of Euro24. Riots breaks out in Hartlepool FC car park. Endless autopsies in media and saloon bars on the cold, dead corpse of English football.


July the Verysoonteeth: last of our great hopes trips over his or her racquet swiping hopelessly at an ace and crashes out of Wimbledon. Endless autopsies on the hardly ever breathing corpse of British tennis.


August Bank Holiday: Angela Rayner leads cavalry charge of disaffected trade unionists on donkeys on Blackpool beach, shouting "No Gods! No Starmers!" 100% of media endlessly repeat that Labour and the country are doomed.


July - September: England start thrilling chain of humiliating cricket defeats. Autopsies break out in media and long rooms across the nation on the pearly white corpse of English cricket.


Olympics: Team GB athletes finish seventh out of eight in almost every event. Surprise winner of the bronze in synchronised ludo is given a knighthood and elected leader of the Conservative Party. Later defects to Reform UK.


(This doesn't seem much to live for. You're fired - Ed)


November: Trump wins election and persuades UK government to make Farage ambassador to Washington. Farage leaves UK for the next several years.


(That's a bit more like it. I'll think about rehiring you - Ed)

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