Trial questions for would-be agony aunts/uncles/piblings etc.

Q:  Can everyone see what total knobs Donald Trump, Nigel Farage and Elon Musk are, or am I wearing magic glasses?

Q:  My wife assured me her 'Mrs Always Right' mug was microwave safe.  It turns out it wasn't.  How does one proceed from a marital point of view?

Q:  Given that wars are generally fought over invisible things - borders, gods, principles etc. - can I invade the Houses of Parliament over my pension?

Q:  I am putting out a petition calling for the OED to redefine the word 'celebrity' - any takers?

Q:  It struck me that the European response to any world conflict would be doomed if it was centred around EU or NATO military collaborations.  Would it be better to proceed with a Eurovision Alliance?

Footnote: Pibling is a word. Google it.

Scary picture credit: Wix AI

GB News Acquired by The Beano

Following the fire-sale purchase of right-wing news organisation InfoWars by satirical site The Onion, financially struggling UK counterpart GB News has announced its acquisition by a similar long-standing publication, The Beano.

'We're delighted to bring GB News under The Beano's masthead,' said Denise Menice, editor-in-chief. 'Thankfully we'll have to make very few alterations, given we've already got Nigel Farage as a perfect Roger the Dodger, telling you how to dodge inheritance tax; Jacob Rees-Mogg was actually the original model for Lord Snooty, so it's really a case of life imitating art; and of course the rest make a great ensemble piece as the numbskulls."

In a Clacton pub, regular viewers were - perhaps shockingly - welcome to the changes. 'So long as they don't take that Michelle Dewberry off the breakfast show,' one supporter remarked, 'she's the only reason I get up in the morning, if you get my drift, fnar fnar!' While another was a little more hesitant, telling us, 'I'm worried about two things: First, the woke agenda sneaking in. None of the kids get whacked with a slipper or a cane any more. I was beaten by my dad and it never did me any harm, if you don't count the PTSD. Second, I hope they don't use all those long words like they do in the comic. I try to read it every week, and have to ask my son for help.'

Image credit: "Street Art in Cabra - Dennis the Menace and Gnasher" by infomatique is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0.

Clacton residents furious they haven’t had a riot yet

Residents of Clacton who voted for an MP who extolled the virtues of taking their country back are expressing dismay that nobody seems to be inviting the EDL to trash Clacton and tear down their garden walls so they can throw bricks at Clacton cops.

“You can’t trust a word a bleedin’ politician says” Mavis Smallbotham of the Centre for Racist Studies told Newsbiscuit. “They come round ‘ere asking for our votes and then you never see ‘em again. They’re off encouraging people to riot somewhere else. It’s a disgrace, but do you think I can get GB News interested in it? It’s ridiculous how we can take anything back to a shop if it ain’t fit for purpose, but will they let you take a c**t back to get it changed?

The MP for Clacton was unavailable for comment, but if we can smuggle a reporter into a BBC Question Time audience, we hope to raise Ms Smallbotham’s concerns with him.

image from pixabay