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Farage Says Reform Will Make Wales Win Grand Slam

During a visit to Wales, part-time gin-salesman, GB News Host, and MP Nigel Farage told supporters if Reform UK took control of the Senedd in next year's elections he would see Wales "prosper and grow" by having them once again win a Grand Slam at the Six Nations.


When challenged, he admitted this was an "ambition" and would require support from other governments; in particular those from New Zealand and South Africa. He added that while his party was against uncontrolled migration, desperate times - such as the worst performance by a Welsh team since the creation of the competition - called for desperate measures.


His political rivals said this was yet another case of his party offering empty promises to the people of Wales that were impossible to deliver, including reopening the coal mines, building a new blast furnace at Port Talbot, and getting the new James Bond song performed by Tom Jones.



Trump & Farage: which one’s E.T. and which is Elliott?

The weird synchronicity between Reform UK and whatever Trump’s outfit should be called has led scientists to a disturbing realisation: maybe Nigel and Donald have a telepathic connection, like E.T. and Elliott.


‘If you recall the film, when E.T. got sick, so did Elliott’, said Dr Mathison of Padgate University. ‘It isn’t clear which one is the extraterrestrial here – neither of them looks especially human. Farage is smaller and has an animatronic face but he doesn’t have an extendable neck or the ability to heal living things. Trump’s broken English is reminiscent of an early E.T. Then there’s Elon – he’s definitely a space cadet.


It’s a conundrum’.


Reform lost their Chairman at the very same time that the Trump / Musk bromance ended, sparking speculation that when Trump takes a dump the shit might flow out of Farage’s arse. Or mouth.


‘Perhaps they both come from outer space? It would explain a lot,’ said Doctor Mathison. ‘Who knows how many aliens we might have living among us. I know a house in London with 650 of them – but I’m beginning to think that foreign planets don’t send us their best. Maybe we need a plan to Stop The Spaceships’.


A NASA spokesman simply sighed and shook his head. This film doesn’t have a happy ending.



Gay bar closed for being woke

Following the news that an Indian restaurant in Oxfordshire was closed for smelling like curry, it has also been revealed that a gay bar has been closed for being too woke.


The Common Ground, which has operated in Manchester for over thirty years, has shut its door for the last time following several protests and complaints by a local elderly woman who has just moved into the area and had nothing better to do.


"I was absolutely furious when I spotted it!" stated Doris Crone "well, I didn't technically spot it. Rather one of my friends told me it was only twenty minutes walk away from my house. Naturally as soon as I heard I jumped on my mobility scooter and travelled to have a look and let me tell you I nearly choked on my Werther's Original! It was horrid to look at, lots of people I presume to be homosexuals chatting away like it was normal and eyesore Pride flags hanging outside. Turned my stomach it did."


Over the next few weeks, Doris spent all her free time (that is, most of the day) standing outside the bar making notes about what people were doing "I didn't actually see anyone kissing, but I know they were thinking about it and that's bad enough. Most of my family said I was overreacting and I didn't have to look every day, but I just told them if that lovely Mr Farage can spend his days off watching for boats from Dover then this is the least I can do"


After spending several weeks outside giving the patrons cold stares and occasionally shouting homophobic insults, Doris decided enough was enough and formed a protest. "It was easy enough to arrange, I'm a member of Reform UK, so all I had to do was to get the word out to all of my fellows. Naturally it wasn't long before they responded and the next thing I knew they'd booked a coach and were heading up to put a stop to it."


This marked the first of several protests by Doris's friends, which caused so much negative publicity and kept people away that the bar's owners announced last week it would shut its doors for good.


"I don't understand what her problem was, we weren't doing anything wrong" owner Quentin Smith stated "we're not even really a gay bar, we just have a policy of making everyone feel welcome, especially since the Reform council took over. But we just can't cope with our patrons constantly having abuse thrown at them, so we have to close."


Doris was unrepentant, stating "good riddance to the lot of them, the less people thinking we need to get along the better. I was delighted to hear that awful pub is now going to become a Wetherspoons. Sitting with all your fellow racists getting served by people on zero-hour contracts, there's nothing more British than that!"


image from pixabay


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