Putin planning surprise Christmas gift for Farage

It has been claimed that Russian dictator Vladimir Putin is planning to surprise his friend Nigel Farage  with a no-strings-attached Christmas gift of a fleet of 7 luxury cars with personalised number plates.

Our source - who insisted on anonymity because he lives in a 34th floor flat with dodgy windows - said the number plates are a direct piss take, but Putin reckons any man who can be tricked into saying 'Up the Ra' for a few quid is way too stupid to notice anything amiss when expensive gifts are offered.

Mr REDACTED claimed the plates are as follows:

CO17 MAN

W417 KER

C1 JNT

NA21 GET

TR41 TOR

BRI8 ERY

TO55 POT

Why 7? One for each Reform MP, assuming at least one to have resigned in disgrace by December.

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Image: ChatGPT

Reform would suspend governing while in government

Not only will they suspend the asylum system, they said any major policy decisions will be deferred pending the findings of a Royal Commission on Whether Anything Really Needs Doing. This will be followed by the launch of a consultation into the feasibility of launching consultations.

It is alleged that Farage is so workshy, his party plans to release all legislation in draft form and then accidentally leave it in draft form for the duration of his time in office. He will outsource governance to a giant office pinboard covered in Post-it notes marked ‘TBC.’ And his party will introduce a Minister for Urgent Matters, then leave the position vacant-while they spend eighteen months designing an appropriate logo.

Upon entering office, he will immediately begin preparing their memoirs entitled My Courageous Struggle Against Excessive Administrative Activity. He promised to ‘hit the ground running,’ then immediately commission a report into safer alternatives to running. He went on to say that difficult decisions are best made by future generations, who will hopefully be less busy.

image from Grok

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Farage: "I warned you about migrant tigers"

"I've said all along," said Nigel Farage, stroking his British Blue moggy, Rothmans, "that if you start letting asylum-seeking Amur tigers land in small boats on our shores and lay on zoo enclosures for them, sooner or later they'll attack the host population.

"And I've been warning for years about how the Yorkshire zoo where all this happened has been getting entirely overrun with foreign species: kookaburras, tapirs, yaks and God knows what else.

"We should cut off welfare payments to the lot of them and ship them back to whatever jungles they crawled out of, at their own expense.

"Whoever thought Britain would benefit from giving houseroom to some treacherous, stripey Asian predator? We've got our own treacherous predators - like stoats and weasels - which are much more my scene."

image by Grok

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