top of page
Search

Nigel Farage to release a cover version of 'I Would Walk Five Hundred Miles'


Words I make up, well, you know I'm that M P

I'm the kind of man who makes up lies to you

When I walk out, yeah, you know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who walks all over you

If I get power, well, you know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who makes life bad for you

Forget all health care, yeah, you know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna privatise the health care meant for you


Well I did take five million pounds

And I would take five million more

Just to be the man who brought the Nat-ional

Health down to the floor 


When I'm workin', yes, you know it's not to be

It's not to be that I am workin' hard for you

It's those with money who decider the work I do

And I'll keep each 'n every penny meant for you

When I buy homes (When I buy homes), oh, you know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who takes your home from you

And if you grow old, well, you know I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the man who takes all benefits from you


So I did take five million pounds

And I would take five million more

Just to be the man who told a thousand

Lies and start a Ci-vil War


Na-na na na (Na-na na na)

Na-na na na (Na-na na na)

Na-na dumb iddy dumb iddy dumb iddy-ots you are!



Labour's sunny weather bad for Britain, says Farage

"So we're having a few days of sunshine, and no doubt Labour will try and take credit for it ahead of the Makerfield by-election," Nigel Farage told reporters, while slapping on Rothmans Factor 50 sunblock.


"But let's just see what Labour's weather looks like in November. Will it still be sunny then? That's the problem. They can't keep their promises.


"And what does all this sunshine in Britain do? It attracts more migrants - attracts them like midges. They think that the weather here isn't as bad as all that and they come in even greater swarms than before. That's what Labour's sunny weather will do to our country.


"Trust me, you're better off with Reform's traditional, British-style drizzle. It's the kind of weather which not that many people want to come and live in, and it makes millions of the natives grumpy enough to vote for curmudgeons like me."


Nigel Farage is 49 degrees Fahrenheit with a 100% chance of precipitation.



Literally no one surprised as Reform councillor sacked


An expedition into the remote Amazon jungle has failed to discover anyone who was surprised by the news that a newly elected Reform councillor has been sacked for past racist tweets.


After several weeks in which they didn’t encounter a human soul, the expedition were surprised to come across a village of tribespeople who appeared to have had no contact at all with the outside world.


However, the village headman Guaraná confirmed that none of them had been at all surprised by the news that Glenn Gibbins once posted that Nigerians should be melted down to fill potholes.


“What an absolute cockwomble,” Guaraná continued. “I mean, I don’t even know what a Nigerian is - or a pothole - and even I know only a complete twatbadger would say that.”


A spokesman for Reform said the occasional hiccup like this was inevitable in such a fast-growing party.


“There just hasn’t been time to vet such a huge number of new candidates to check if they’re racist Neanderthals,” he explained. “Which of course they mostly are, since they want to join Reform.”


A primitive, Stone Age people who haven’t yet discovered fire or the wheel, Reform now has one and a half thousand councillors across England and Wales.


image by Google Gemini

bottom of page