Tory NHS masterplan is to privately outsource to VIP-lane chums again

Bids for lucrative contracts to 'fix' the NHS are being Rishi-Dishied out to chums, just like those wondrous plans which kept everyone safe and happy during the height of the pandemic.

As the person most qualified to ensure that everything goes as swimmingly as last time, Michelle Mone has been appointed as 'Fix the NHS Tsar'.

Already, a £37 billion contract has neatly avoided the absent tendering process. It has gone to Matt Hancock's pub landlord to solve the ambulance backlog. It is a world-beating new system whereby nationally, up to 17 Deliveroo riders on backwards tricycles are put on standby to pedal emergency cases to the nearest private dentist, vet, or Holland & Barrett. Patients in distress will be neatly folded into their front delivery boxes and swiftly transported to the 'care centre' of not their choice. Unless it's uphill on a windy day.

A similarly lucrative contract to supply much needed hospital trolleys has gone to Liz Truss's brother's sister. Six second-hand dessert trolleys, a couple of mobile drinks cabinets, and a Lazy Susan have been sourced, which the nation is assured is more than enough to solve the health crisis by Thursday.

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Liz Truss in Energy Saving Mode

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A spokesperson for Number 10 has confirmed today Liz Truss has been set to 'power saving mode' following risks that she may shut down over the winter.

This affects the speed of both her thought and her speech and has cleared up the mystery of why she was talking slower than a sloth with a zimmer frame during the Conservative Party conference.

The spokesperson denied this was the reason she was talking slowly in the local radio interviews in the week before the conference., suggesting that as her schedule was really busy, it was necessary to restrict interviewers to ask one question in their allotted time.

The spokesman also confirmed that the Prime Minister had accidentally been set on 'pause' in the days following the mini budget.

Story: notamused

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Conservatives to offer internships as Prime Minister

'We got the idea from "Have I Got News For You?" ' said a spokesman. 'When Angus Deayton had to leave because of the, erm, cocaine allegations, they brought in guest presenters. We’ve been doing the same with our Prime Ministers.'

The Conservative Party’s plan is to allow the children of wealthy donors to each do a week as "Intern PM" .

'Oh, they’d run the country, much as Liz is doing now,' said the spokesman. 'It will look good on their CVs and the chances are the pound might rally a bit.'

Keir Starmer described the idea as ‘interesting’ and asked if there would be an age limit.

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