Downing Street tells Ministers to use 'Baldrick Defence' in new media guidelines

It's understood government ministers have been given new guidelines for facing the media when the going gets tough.

A Whitehall insider told press: 'It's being called the Baldrick Defence, or Deny Everything, and is quite simple really. Should ministers, or in the unlikely event the PM himself, actually find themselves in a tight spot because of the clear weight of the facts facing them, they pretend to listen attentively, look straight down the camera lens and deny everything.

'The average voter is now so thick, or misled by the endless campaign of Tory misinformation, they'll simply suck it up, leaving us to get on with making a total shambles of running the country, with I might add, absolutely no consequences whatsoever.'

When Downing Street was approached no one was available to comment, however a two-word statement has been issued online which says: Not true.

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Newly elected Tory MP 'too busy to attend surgeries' says party chair

A newly elected Tory MP has thanked those who voted for him but says he is unable to visit his constituency, arrange local surgeries or attend the House of Commons because he is too busy dealing with more important issues and a backlog of outside interests.

The MP for Old Hoaxley and Sickup said he would get around to doing something about it one day but for now he was far too busy concentrating on a complex business arrangement he has with an old business chum based in the Cayman Islands and securing another place on the board of an FT listed company.

‘The phone hasn’t stopped ringing since I won the seat’ said the incoming new man ‘it would be great to meet some of the voters who elected me at some point in the future and listen to their moans and groans but at the moment it’s just not convenient.’

Party chair Olivia Cowden said the new MP would prove to be a dedicated and hard working servant for his constituency but at the moment was a bit busy sorting out a few other things.

‘Sickcup….that’s in the south-east of London right’ said the MP ‘just clarifying that before we go any further.’

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Devil to claim souls of leading Tories at Halloween

With the spectre of Halloween looming, rumours are swirling that several leading Conservatives have appointments with a Mr Mephistopheles, a representative of Tory donors B L Zeebub Inc. The deals those Tories are said to have struck to secure their earthly successes will expire at midnight and their souls will be deemed oven-ready, i.e. taken to the fiery pits of hell for eternal burning. Those affected Tories have appeared more visibly nervous and twitchy than when avoiding a question about Brexit and empty shelves.

‘Who said empty souls?’ panicked a Tory grandee, flinging holy water in all directions.

A spokesdemon said: ‘Just imagine how horrific Matt Hancock’s career would have been without our evil assistance. Obviously the general population have had a terrible time as a result, but the Dark Lord considers that a collateral benefit.’

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst commented, ‘Cabinet was a little feisty, I’ve never seen so many hastily drawn pentagrams, although the volume of unholy shrieking was pretty standard. Priti Patel said that since Mephistopheles “sounds a bit Greek maybe?” he could be deported.

Boris intends to hide, disguising himself as a vagrant, drinking heavily and muttering in Latin at street pigeons. Liz Truss thought it was Mr Mistoffelees from Cats, then claimed she’d signed a trade deal with Hades. Rishi will probably flee to whichever Cayman Island he owns. Sajid Javid admitted he’d misjudged the mood by arriving dressed as a sexy nurse. Boris seemed into it though.’

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