Shocked scientists have discovered we're entering a "genetic recession", with humans set to drop behind chimpanzees within 50 years. "Close observers of daytime TV and TikTok videos are not surprised at this", says Professor Richard Dawkins. Some supermarkets are already stockpiling peanuts and bananas, it has been revealed.
The government has launched a nationwide plant-a-tree drive, promising that everyone will have a branch to swing from by 2040. Meanwhile, fashion experts predict that shirtsleeves could be 5ft long by midcentury, while trousers will be worn "significantly looser" so that people can scratch their genitals with ease.
The news is not all bad. A government environment spokesman has predicted "a new era in waste management" as a result of the sudden backward slide of humanity. "The sewage problem will be solved overnight. Instead of flushing their turds into the sea, people will just pick them up and throw them at each other", he explains. "Britain will have the cleanest beaches in years".
He is also confident that greenhouse gases will no longer be a problem. "Without an opposable thumb you won't be able to start your car," he says. "All you can do is fiddle with the gearstick while you bang your head on the steering wheel. The only carbon emissions will be when someone uses a lighted match to see what's inside the petrol tank."
That is just as well because the country's roads will be reduced to worn-out stretches of disintegrating tarmac: "That's what you get when you have 60 million sets of knuckles dragging along them every day."
First published 25 May 2023
If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
 |  |  |  |
