Benjamin Netanyahu plans to offer small boats to the people of Gaza, and of the West Bank, so that they can go to ... well, anywhere they want, really. Just so long as they go somewhere - anywhere - else, or at least, just go away.Â
And he can then occupy the empty, rubble-strewn territory they've vacated, as part of his wonderfully simple, straightforward, 'what-could-possibly-go-wrong', Single State Solution.
Now that the Royal Mail have received approval to cut deliveries of second class mail, the BBC is proposing to stop delivering news at weekends.
A spokesman said, 'There's no proper news at weekends. The government doesn't issue any press releases, politicians are away with their mistresses, and councils and businesses don't answer their phones.Â
‘Often, the only way to fill air-time is to film vox pop interviews in the High Street. Because the man in the street's opinion on the big issues can be very well considered and insightful. Although usually it's just ill-informed, misguided and borderline weird. And we aren’t supposed to fill news programmes with opinion.
'The only reliable source of news stories at the weekend is from overseas. It’s easy to cut-and-paste international news stories from AP and Reuters. The only domestic news is about village fêtes, charity fundraising, stores and pubs closing down, bin collections, traffic, and weather (hot, cold, windy, watery, drought-y, sunburn-y, pollen-y). And occasionally there's a summer riot. Â
'Most of the weekend news bulletins are filmed on Friday mornings, and then we go down the pub. The work experience kids add in any topical updates later, using clips they've found on TikTok and quotes from social meeja. The weekend news is a joke. It's not worth the effort. We shouldn't have to do it.
'We could just let the radio deal with any real news. ChatGPT can write the copy and then someone can phone it in from home.  Â
'It's your BBC during the week. At the weekends, your BBC needs a rest.'
Image credit: perchance.org
The people of Ukraine and Gaza forget all about their suffering - being bombed, shot and/or starved, and being generally f*cked about by Donald Trump and his arse-licking acolytes - in their ecstasy at learning that some singer (?) has become engaged to some footy player.
'My family have all been killed, I've been seriously wounded and my home and all my possessions have been destroyed' said one happy man. 'But hey-ho! Who cares about minor inconveniences like that? I couldn't be happier, knowing that this couple are set for a lifetime - or at least, a week or so - of wedded bliss. I can't stop thinking them all day long, and at night as well, when I am kept awake by the noise of bombing, shelling and gunfire.'
Image credit: deep dream generator
