top of page
Search

Drink yourself thin!

ree

Scientists, nutritionists and your mum have all noticed the same thing - food makes you fat.  'There's no doubt about it,' said a senior nutritionist today, 'every study over the last half Century has pointed to food being linked to obesity'.  Doctors agree, the idea that someone could eat themselves thin is 'nonsense' and 'highly misleading', according to many studies.   Proponents of the concept reluctantly agree that eating is linked in some way to obesity.


Researchers have noted that whisky and other spirits are carbohydrate free.  'A bottle of whisky is enough to fuel the average male for a day, will aid sleep and will wash harmless amounts of snacks down easily.  You never see a fat drunk, apart from that uncle everyone avoids talking about,' said a reseacher reaching for a bottle.  'And whisky drinking is associated with vigorous exercise,' he added, 'according to the study sponsor, Johnny Walker.




‘Reconnect with nature’, urges Princess Kate, whose family owns half of it

ree

The Princess of Wales has released her latest Mother Nature video, in which she encourages us all to ‘reconnect with nature’ - though her version of nature comes with several stately homes, a helipad, and gardeners who trim the topiary into the shape of corgis.


The videos feature the Prince and Princess enjoying the British countryside, much of which is conveniently owned by them. The Royal Family collectively own over 6.6 billion acres of land worldwide - more than enough for every British citizen to have their own meadow, a small wood, and a personal deer.


A Kensington Palace spokesman said, “Her Royal Highness hopes her message will inspire all citizens to ‘step outside, breathe fresh air, and enjoy the wonders of the natural world’ - provided they don’t accidentally trespass on one of the many royal estates while doing so.”


Critics have pointed out that while Kate enjoys multiple properties and endless private green space, around one in eight UK families have no access to a garden. Still, the Princess insists that everyone can connect with the earth ‘even in a small way’, and suggests those without a garden could perhaps plant a flower in an old yogurt pot, lean out of a window and squint at a patch of municipal grass, or take a walk along a dual carriageway verge. Alternatively, they could buy a castle surrounded by several acres of land, or marry someone with ‘Duke’ in their name.


The Royal Family insist that their estates are managed ‘for the benefit of the nation’ - with the nation’s benefit defined as members of the public being allowed to look at pictures of HIghgrove in glossy coffee-table books, download a high-definition Balmoral screensaver, or gaze wistfully at Sandringham from the nearest bus stop.

Meanwhile, many of us will have to make do with admiring Kate’s beloved countryside from behind a fence before being escorted back to the car park by security, or stay indoors and watch Kate do it on YouTube.




If Ukraine war ends, how will Starmer get to do his serious face?

ree

Any peace plan must include alternate photo ops, insisted Sir Keir, who was worried that voters would discover he has nothing else to do with his time. His events calendar normally comprises of -


5% cosplay in an army outfit.


7% standing in silhouette by a door.


10% walking in slow-mo through a garden, nodding sagely at sage.


78% readjusting camera angles to make himself look taller


This is the first peace proposal to include a performer rider, with Sir Keir demanding hundreds of statesmen-like poses in designer outfits, all paid for by dubious means. In private he is said to have been furious that he may have to go back to images of him been shouted at by pub landlords or that video of him with a punchbag, that makes him look like a bellend.





bottom of page