Celebrity Country Swap

Channel 4 has pitched a new reality TV show based on the Alaska summit where President Putin humiliated the entire United States in minutes.

'The summit was a great idea,' said a Channel 4 spokesman today, 'but using a tired, washed out former reality presenter to host the show ruined it.

'Our pitch is to repeat the summit but this time to complete the process and exchange whole countries. For example, with Vladimir hosting the show he could swap, say, Ukraine for, I don't know, the Isle of Wight. The Isle of Wight would, obviously, be controlled by Russia because, well that's what Vlad suggested,' he added.

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Delight as AI boffins promise to prioritise gonorrhoea cure ahead of MRSA

AI-designed new super-antibiotics hailed as ‘game changers’ when it comes to treating diseases at contrasting ends of the spectrum are giving hope to the seriously ill, pox-ridden, and absent-minded everywhere.

‘Yeah; MRSA, whatever,’ said Steve Greevling, a serial adulterer from Harlesden. ‘But the clap? Anything that stops my wife asking difficult questions about why we’re both itching more than Prince Andrew during Huddersfield Uni freshers’ week shows AI has its priorities sorted.’

Further incongruous medication pairings close to gaining regulatory approval include tablets which treat both heart disease and that level of wheat intolerance you only remember when either the cakes or attention on offer falls short of expectations, capsules which cure sepsis while also reminding you which night to put the bins out, and pessaries proven to reverse symptoms of most major cancers and any VAR decisions you don’t like.

‘Exponential technological advances might be hastening the inevitable end of humanity,’ agreed Steve, cheerily; ‘But if these lads can prevent my ring blazing like a Corbieres hillside every time I strain, our subjugation by emotionless robot overlords can’t come quickly enough. Especially those sexy-sounding ones.’

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Israel plans to dominate Glastonbury in 2027

Benjamin Netanyahu watched the Glastonbury coverage this year with a growing sense of alarm.

He watched the coverage of Kneecap and Bob Vylan aghast. The crowd was a sea of Palestinian flags. There was not a single star of David to be seen. The mood was far from positive for Israel.

Bibi released that he had badly missed a trick. Glastonbury coverage is shown around the world, and his enemies had scored a massive PR victory.

And so Bibi has decided to create an Israeli supergroup that is so awesome and cool that the band will be a 'must book' for the next Glastonbury Festival in 2027. The musical genre has yet to be decided, but Bibi has suggested a mash-up of the musical styles of The Settlers and Dire Straits.

Bibi plans to build on Israel's four Eurovision wins. He is certain that, with hard work, practice, musical talent and some tactical interventions by Mossad, the goal can be achieved.

Bibi dreams of crowd-surfing at Glastonbury 2027, carried through a sea of Israeli flags. He is sure that the BBC's famed impartiality will help him to broadcast Israel's message of peace, hope, freedom and the obliteration of Gaza, around the globe.

Picture credit: perchance