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Harry the Bastard to join Trump in class action libel case against BBC


In an unexpected legal move, Harry the Bastard has become a co-litigant in the libel case brought by President Trump against the BBC.


'I was libelled good and proper on the Young Ones sitcom in the eighties,' said Harry today.  'The BBC insinuated that I was an employee of Rumbelows and I've always disputed that*.  It never turned a profit and disappeared under Thatcher's watch.  Nothing to do with me.  I've never disputed being a right bastard, but working at a low-end electrical retailer, that's akin to suggesting I incited an insurrection at the White House.


'Which is why I've joined forces with President Trump, who was also misrepresented by the BBC.  They find for Trump, he wins, so I win.  They find for me, I win, so he wins.  I'm happy to split the $5Bn fifty-fifty, or whatever the Donald thinks is appropriate, but a squillionth of $5Bn is still a lot, isn't it?' he asked.


*Harry the Bastard was under manager of the Watford branch of Rumbelows until the company folded in February 1995.  He's currently employed as a vetting agent for Reform Ltd.




Isle of Wight plans negative tourist tax


We really want visitors to come,' says Carrie van Park, who works for the Isle of Wight tourist board. 'A tourist tax will just discourage visits. But we realised that a negative tourist tax would do the opposite.'


The negative tax is provisionally set at three pounds per night. Economists have estimated that this could increase overnight visits to the island by between one thousand and one hundred thousand over the tourist season.


'Visitors already have to pay for the ferry to get here,' says Carrie, 'and that is a financial disincentive. Our negative tourist tax will help to offset that. It will apply to all overnight stays, except where visitors sleep on the beach or in their cars.


We welcome all kinds of visitors to our beautiful island, but we draw the line at the cheapskate, low life scum who come because they mistakenly think that they can get a duty free allowance and live off cheap beer for a week, and then save money by not paying for a campsite. That really gives us the needles. There, I've won a tenner. My colleagues bet me I wouldn't say that.'




Trump to star in "Groundhog Day 2: Ukraine, Again and Again"


"He's a deeply disagreeable, narcissistic showman who treats everyone around him like dirt," said a spokes-clapperboard for the Groundhog Day franchise.


"Therefore, the gods punish him by making him try to get a peace deal for Ukraine, on a loop, for the best part of a year.


"Every time, it's the same story. Donald Trump tries to bully Zelensky into giving Russia everything it wants - because that would make the whole business so much simpler. Every time, Zelensky's European allies come to his aid and he resists.


"Then Trump starts all over again, trying to ram Russia's wish list down Zelensky's throat and make him swallow it.


"Every new day in the movie starts with a cute and chubby rodent called 'Witkoff' poking its head up in the Kremlin and then getting paraded around the place by oligarchs for people's amusement.


"'Why does Trump try so hard to clinch this peace deal?' I hear you ask," said the spokes-groundhog. "Well there's a love interest Trump is trying to impress, who he'd do anything for.


"We tried to persuade the delightful Andie MacDowell to reprise this role. However, she said no amount of money could persuade her to do an romantic scene with someone as repulsive as Trump.


"'Who do you think I am, Stormy Daniels?' were her precise words.


"So we had to settle for some ageing Russian goblin called Vladimir. Luckily, Trump's fallen head over heels for him - the weirdo."




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