The world has fallen prostrate at the feet of Amazon warehouse king, Jeff Bezos. Despite the best efforts of the police, various governments, parents, teachers, social workers, etc around the world, no one has managed to reduce gun crime, let alone stop it.
Then Jeff Bezos had a fantastic idea. Buy the James Bond franchise and airbrush all the guns out of the posters.
‘I’m completely shocked.’ explains Nancy Dempton of London’s East End. ‘I never would’ve thought. We had quite a lot of gun crime around here – not as much as there used to be but still, there’s enough. The police have been having amnesties and all sorts but nothing has worked. Jeff Bezos should absolutely get the Nobel Peace Prize for this.’
Not everyone is happy though. Donald Trump made use of a press conference about the situation between Russia and Ukraine to share his thoughts: ‘Guns are great. Aren’t guns great? Guns are great. Guns don’t shoot people – guns shoot bullets. Beautiful guns shooting beautiful bullets. James Bond – or 007 as I like to call him – we’re friends, you know that? Yeah we’re friends – we’re old friends. Go way back – I taught him everything he knows. I also invented his car that goes under water. You see that car? The car that goes under water? I invented that. So yeah, 007 - He calls me number one - 007 should have more guns! Bigger guns! The guy wears a belt – he could fit atleast a half dozen holsters on there, and he has pockets – he wears jackets. Lots of jackets. Lots of jackets means lots of pockets. One gun in each pocket – maybe two if they’re big pockets. I dunno – are they big pockets? I dunno. Or small guns. Are they small guns? I dunno that either – nobody knows. Nobody knows. He’s very secretive about the size of his guns – always has been. I always liked that about him. He also has two beautiful strong shoulders. Two manly, strong, beautiful shoulders. He could easily have a rifle over each shoulder. That’s how you end gun crime. More guns than the other guy. Bigger and better guns than the other guy.’
And as if ridding the world of gun crime wasn’t enough, word is going round that Bezos isn’t done yet. According to his spokesman Marvin Tubbard, Bezos is now going to rid the world of womanising by also removing all the women from the Bond posters.
An international petition has already gained 200,000,000 signatures for Bezos to edit other classic film posters, to make the world an even safer, more harmonious place.
