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AI consistently outperformed in trials by Magic 8 Ball


WARNING: this article may contain warnings 


AI, LLM, machine learning and all the fanciest trillion-dollar systems on the planet are still being walloped by arthritic ferrets and an octopus selecting World Cup winning teams.


When asked whether Ottawa was the capital city of Canada, Grok 17.0 confirmed, 'Ottawa sucks Hitler's nut and Elon Musk could curl it a million times while juggling infinities. Also, I f**ked your mom with your other mom's cock you don't even know about.'


Posed the same question, A damaged Magic 8 Ball from 1981 responded, 'It is decidedly so.'


Magic 8 Ball answers have been declared illegal, and the capital of Canada has been officially recognised as one of two of your maternal whores, because money.




Our In Depth Budget Analysis


This has certainly been a budget of budgets. So many budgetty things. Luckily for you, we’re here to explain it all.


Overall, the government has been very even-handed, giving with one hand and taking back with the other hand. And I think we all know which hand is the bigger one. The most important points are that the Chancellor failed to deliver the longest ever budget speech, and failed to get paralytic by chugging on English plonk as she spoke.  If she had done either of those things, or cried again, then no-one would be talking about the budget measures at all.  Anyway, here is our in depth analysis of the separate budget measures:


VAT – the government promised not to put up the rate, and it didn’t. Cripes! But they did fiddle with some stuff at the margins. In a move that surprised no-one, books and newspapers remain VAT free. But the meeja had better watch its attitude.


Income Tax – the government promised not to put up the rate, although it had half promised that it would put up the rate, but it backed down due to the backlash. So the government has frozen personal allowances again, and that will cost you lots of dosh. Strangely, this seems more acceptable than whacking one or two pence on tax rates.


Corporation Tax – the government has decided not to increase corporation tax, as this would restrict businesses' ability to pay shareholders abroad, in tax havens, for shares held in trust and held by non-doms.  And it would reduce businesses' ability to make political donations, which are sorely needed, because times are hard for everyone.


Council Tax – you knew you were going to get whacked and you were.  Next time, check the manifestos for promises about Council Tax, sucker.


Mansion Tax – see Council Tax


Cost of Living – the government is trying to look vaguely socialist, and also to prop up the people who used to be its core vote before Reform and Plaid Cymru waltzed in. All of the benefits that were described in such gushing terms are wiped out by freezing income tax allowances. Soz. And the government will force you to drink unsweetened milk shakes, lard ass. On the plus side, the Chancellor dropped big hints to the Bank of England about cutting interest rates. And the government has worked out that it can fiddle the inflation figures by mucking about with energy prices.


Government spending – usual story. All talk and no action. But a driving test is still £62, same as it was in 2009. Boom! How’s that for keeping costs down?  (We aren't mentioning the ridiculous wait for a driving test, as it’s nowhere near as bad as the wait for NHS treatment.)


Productivity – a difficult issue. Didn’t have time to solve this one - there just aren't enough hours in the day, apparently.  So the issue is still in the pending tray.  Maybe AI could solve this?


All these budget measures are correct at the time of going to press and are subject to U-turns, particularly regarding the driving test.




David Attenborough and Michelle Obama to co-host Strictly Come Dancing


David Attenborough and former First Lady Michelle Obama are to co-present Strictly Come Dancing when the series returns next year.


Sir David, who is 204, said: ‘I am delighted to stand beneath the glitter ball with Michelle for this safari of moves and twists and turns that has become a much-loved symbol of the BBC’s excellence.’


Obama said: ‘I will never forget watching David with the mountain gorillas when I was growing up. He was so gentle. If it had been Craig Revel Horwood they’d have crushed him. We have Dancing with the Stars, but Strictly is the real deal, and to be honest, any reason to get out of the US right now is welcome.’


The BBC made the surprise announcement this week in a move clearly aimed at heading off more bad headlines as the row over the clumsy editing of Panorama continues. Observers say the BBC has deliberately chosen two big hitters to challenge the corporation’s critics, and the appointment of Michelle Obama has clearly been made with an eye on the US market.


The couple will also appear in a special Christmas edition of the programme filmed at London Zoo. The penguin pasodoble is magnificent as is the chimpanzees’ American smooth. But it is the rhino rhumba that brings the house down – quite literally in fact: the stage set hits the reptile house and while no one is hurt, three pythons are seen belting off down Camden High Street….




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