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Reform breaks silence over Nathan Gill

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After two weeks since UKIP MEP, Brexit Party MEP and the former Reform Ltd Welsh Leader was convicted of working for the Russians, taking bribes to push the Russian narrative in the European Parliament, Reform UK leadership have broken their silence, to the disappointment of the British viewing public who were starting to enjoy watching the BBC political programming without having Reform pushed down their throats.


A Reform spokesman denied that Nigel Farage, Richard Tice and Llyr Roberts, who was Nathan Gill's right-hand man in Brussels, were running shy of being questioned about the traitor within the senior levels of UKIP, Brexit Party and Reform.  'Far from it,' said the spokesman, 'they have been carrying out an in-depth investigation to find out why the Russians singled Nathan out to say the things they were readily saying, but paying him, not them.  


'Nigel for one is furious.  He's never knowingly worked for free,' said the spokesman.




Protestor with ‘papulation receptionists’ banner arrested by the Anagram Police

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An elite squad of cryptic crossword solvers has been recruited to police Britain’s growing menace: vicars and retired accountants hellbent on supporting proscribed organisation P_________n A____n.


‘Normally they’d be solving complex yet comfortingly non-violent murders’, a police spokesman told us. ‘You know the sort of thing – Oxbridge lecturer poisoned with curare, wealthy businessman dies inside locked room – proper puzzles.


‘We got through the first wave of terror supporters fairly easily: their banners just said “I support Palestine Action” so we knew we could arrest them. Then they started getting whimsical, with stuff like: “I don’t support Palestine Inaction” – we considered consulting a lawyer, but then thought: “fuck it” and arrested them anyway. I’ve never held with lady vicars’.


Now the evil pensioners have resorted to wordplay, forcing police to put numerous cosy murder mysteries on hold while they protect the public from the imminent threat of genocide-dislikers.


‘We don’t make the law’, the spokesman said, ‘we just enforce it. Selling weapons to a genocidal regime is perfectly legal and the sooner these cardboard-wielding fanatics realise that, the better. Bastards’.




Police to be given powers to make up emergency laws on the fly

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The UK Government have confirmed that Police are to be given new powers to make up emergency laws on fly should situations require them.


“Too long have UK Law Enforcement had to suffer the indignity of constant scrutiny and retrospective analysis”, said Chief Constable Wonchingthorpe, head of the Police Union, “with these new powers we hope to set aside this culture of blame against our boys and girls in blue and enter a new era of trust and no further questioning.”


It is unclear the extent of these new powers but this could extend to many areas of life. For example, the Police can know stop and detain you for possessing, with intent to wear, bad trainers; distributing out of date memes; looking a bit rioty; tutting in a built up area; and unnecessary inflationary pricing of baked goods (sweet and savoury).


The powers are far reaching as our reporter found out by being arrested for having a sarcastic, moany tone of voice.




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