"This is the first Labour government that Britain's had for 14 years, which is incredibly exciting if you're part of the government," a Labour spokesman told bored reporters.
"I mean, you can't imagine the amount of free stuff millionaires are dangling in front of us.
"But the British public have really disappointed us by being so underwhelmed. It's as if they don't care any more whether it's Labour in charge of the country, or the Tories, or Daft Dave who sits giggling on a wall in Droitwich.
"So to get the attention we deserve, we are making six impressive-sounding pledges. And we are doing this even though no one will believe we can actually fulfil them.
"There isn't a chance in hell that we will make the UK's economy the fastest-growing in the OECD, or that we will get 1.5 million new homes built.
"However, we can put out a press release saying how dynamic and unflinchingly brave Keir Starmer and his team are for setting themselves such ambitious, reality-defying targets. Newspaper readers will spend at least two seconds scanning the headline to the story before yawning and going back to bed.
"It will also show the nation's political commentators that while we are incapable of improving the state of Britain, we are as good as Tony Blair's government was at thinking up PR gimmicks to look like we are trying to.
"Is Labour in charge now?" yawned a voter, climbing her stairs with a candle and a glass of warm milk.
"I thought it was still the Tories, because absolutely sod all around here has changed."
