Martial law proves to be a bit Seoul-less

North Korea has urged South Korea to 'maybe calm the f*** down' after the South"s President Yoon Suk Yeol unsuccessfully tried to impose martial law. 

A North Korean spokesman wore a military uniform with so many medals on it, that it looked like he was about to fall over

'We welcome the South Korean President making an absolute tool of himself in front of the entire world. Our official statement is "Ha ha ha".'

'For once, it wasn't even our fault, but you execute one suspected dissenter by flamethrower and everyone loses their minds.'

'If Kim Jong Un imposed martial law, it would stay imposed. All the MPs and protesters and all of their families and acquaintances would be in a re-education camp, re-educating the s*** out of themselves. We take the north south divide very seriously.'

Image: Pixabay/cskkkk

Scientists hail new early-detection blood test for 20 incurable diseases and ruin everyone’s day

Scientists have announced success in developing a blood test alerting people that they have the early but unmistakable signs of diseases for which there is currently no known cure. The test requires a mere prick of a finger and then a terrifying 5 day wait for lab results that could put a real crimp in the rest of your days.

‘This test marks a new high watermark in scaring people witless,’ said a white coat set to cream millions when the developers, Skull&Bones Pharminc, goes public next Friday the 13th. ‘We are at the cutting edge of knowing almost by looking at people as they enter the lab whether they will get something terminal before their time. Come on down,’ he added, wagging a finger.

Up until now, most people had been able to go about their lives in comparative ignorance of their ultimate fate, putting off thoughts of death until as late as possible. Happily, those days are over. From next month, for $666, science will tell you how and when you will die, and that they can’t do jack to help. ‘I can hardly wait to learn at an early stage whether I might one day have something incurably terminal,’ said a still youngish man with unhealthy habits.

But others have expressed a note of caution. ‘There are still other incurable diseases for which we haven’t yet developed an early stage blood test,’ remarked that white coat. ‘When that becomes available, only then will we be able to fully and comprehensively terrify the public.’ The ultimate goal, he concluded, is to present mothers of new born children a definite timeline for their child’s death.

Image: Pixabay/shameersck

Wehrmacht “communicated in German”, declassified documents reveal

Documents recently declassified under the 30 year rule have shed new light on the struggles of the codebreakers at Bletchley Park to break the German military ciphers during World War Two.

“We used to think they were using some kind of dastardly machine, with rotors and plugboards and whatnot,” explained Wing Commander Farquarson of the Fleet Air Arm, “making it impossible to crack their codes unless we knew the exact position of every moving part on a given day.

“The truth turns out to be even more fiendish - they were communicating with each other in German.

“I mean, just look at it,” he said, pointing to an intercepted Wehrmacht communique. “At least ‘Haus’ and ‘Freund’ are vaguely similar to the proper English words, but most of it’s complete gibberish. I mean, ‘abgeschossen’ for goodness sake. It’s like they’re not even trying.

“And look here - ‘Wehrmachtsangelegenheiten’. Leaving out the spaces between the words just isn’t cricket. And don’t get me started on those silly dots they put above the vowels sometimes.”

“Can’t say I’m surprised,” added Group Captain Hawkins, puffing on his pipe. “Went there once with the old ball and chain. Impossible to get a decent roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, the carrots weren’t boiled anywhere near long enough and the beer wasn’t even close to warm.”

Image: Pixabay/jonmdyson