top of page
Search

Don't Let's Be Beastly To War Criminals

ree

Senior politicians have lambasted peace protestors for being terribly rude. Pointing out that someone is a genocidal maniac is not the done thing, and such gauche behaviour is bound to ruin the garden party and upset the vicar.


Their "un-British" antics are the equivalent of passing the cucumber sandwiches in the wrong direction, while taking a shit on the Magna Carta. Said one Minister: 'It's almost like these people were trying to draw attention to their cause.'


'How dare they suggest that Tony Blair is a murderer or that killing babies is wrong. That's just the sort of tactless behaviour I would expect from someone from a local comprehensive. Is it too much to ask that people show good table manners and ignore any International Arrest Warrants?"




Jenrick's speech 'sounded better in the original German'

Some people may have listened to the speech Robert Jenrick gave to the Tory party conference with mounting alarm, said a spokesman for Lebensraum Translation Services, "especially when he screeched the words: 'Let us fight for a better future! Let us build this new order! Let's take our country back!'


"To the ordinary fellow, this may have sounded like an annoyingly ambitious pipsqueak of a politician veering dangerously into hard right territory in a desperate attempt to capture the leadership of his party.


"However, if you translate these words back into the original German, as they were spoken in a Munich beer hall in the late 1920s, they take on an entirely different meaning.


"The speaker, sickened by a humiliating defeat, promises to lead his people on the high road back to glory. That's also true for Jenrick, but in German it sounds sort of operatic.


"I mean, at least that guy believed in something - which is a notch up on Herr Jenrick. You'd need a cryogenic transmission electron microscope to even get close to discovering a single sincere belief in Herr Jenrick's head.


"Now I just need to translate this last gem from the great future Tory leader's lips - 'Gott in Himmel, wo ist all der Weissfolk in that godforsaken dump, Handsworth?'


"Oh, dear. That bit doesn't sound too great in anyone's language, does it?"




Tories offer to get young people on Rwandan Housing Ladder

ree

Speaking to a room of seats at the Conservative Party Conference, the shadow chancellor announced a merger of classic policies to create a new incentive; young people can buy a house by renting for a period, then having this count towards a discount on the property in the suburbs of Kigali.


'This generation dream of home ownership, but find all the properties in their budget have already been bought by landlords paying cash,' said the chancellor. 'Obviously, we don't want to upset those landlords as they're likely party members, and we gave so much money to the Rwandan government when we were in power that we figured this was a good way to maximise the return on the investment.'


Speaking to the press after the announcement, a party official elaborated on the idea, telling us, 'The young will love Kigali: the weather is good, the internet is fast, and the whole country has been genocide-free for at least five years. And if they get tired of life in paradise, then they can trek across the Sahara and Mediterranean, traverse their way across Europe, and pay a people trafficker to bring them back to the UK on a small boat.'




bottom of page