Coming Soon: Stephen King’s Autumn Statement

Horror fans are eagerly awaiting the latest adaption by Stephen King, called ‘Autumn Statement’.

The film is a psychological thriller, in which an entire country is overcome by depression, gloom, despondency, and suicidal thoughts, all caused by a menacing and shape-shifting monster called the Autumn Statement.

Film critic and grossly overweight popcorn destroyer, Arthur Howse, is sure that the film will become a classic. ‘It scares the shit out of everyone. Young people trying to find somewhere to live or find a job. Young families who need childcare. Householders in big and expensive houses. Old people who need to eat, or keep warm. Farmers.  Motorists. This film scares all of them. I’ve seen it four times and I haven’t slept since.

‘The great trick is that the film threatens so many terrible things – bad things that will affect hospitals, banks, businesses, charities, sick people, healthy people, workers, students – everyone in fact. Hellfire, the Autumn Statement even threatens the dead – undermining their dying wishes and taxing them retrospectively, so that they can’t help their children and their dependents. It’s mental torture. And it’s brilliant stuff.

‘The tension is heightened because there is no way to fight the Autumn Statement. It’s a monstrous terror that lives in the shadows. It's everywhere.  It's all around you.  Everyone is talking about it, but no-one knows what to do.  If you think you can cope with one of its proposals, then two new terrifying ideas will immediately spring up to scare you rigid and keep you awake at night. The film promises you a slow and horrifying death, as your loved ones die around you from untreated illnesses, your possessions are slowly taken from you, you lose your job, all certainties about your future are undermined, and your money and assets are slowly drained away.

‘No one can defeat the Autumn Statement. There is no escape.

Editor's note: Autumn Statement is the fourth film in Stephen King’s ‘Black Economy’ franchise. The first three films are called Black Hole, National Insurance, and Winter Fuel Payment.  

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Israel claims Palestine was playing tinny music from its phone

The all-out annihilation of Palestine - ideally accompanied by the death of all Palestinians - can now proceed with an active chorus of international approval, after the Israeli government claimed that Palestine was listening to tinny versions of Ibiza anthems from its phone speaker whilst on the bus.

One Netanyahu apologist added, 'Asking them to put headphones on is only giving the terrorists what they want. The only logical response to this moderately rude behaviour is the total destruction of Gaza, the annexation of the West Bank and the killing of every Palestinian man woman and child.

'Now that we've made up this obvious lie, we can really accelerate the slaughtering. Hooray! From the river, to the sea, from tinny tunes, we shall be free.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Dad’s Army deployed to defend Walmington-on-Sea from illegal immigrants

The south-coast town of Walmington-on-Sea is being defended by a band of volunteers known as Dad’s Army, who patrol the beach in search of illegal immigrants arriving by boat. So far, the only boat they have apprehended belongs to a local fisherman, who was captured by the platoon, and forced to surrender his haddock.

The group's captain, George Mainwaring, spoke to reporters yesterday. 'We’re the last line of defence for this country,' he declared, tripping over a deckchair. 'The government may have radar, the navy, and the border force, but none of them has my organisational genius.' He then shot a seagull with an air rifle, in case it was an enemy reconnaissance drone.

His second-in-command, Arthur Wilson, gently murmured: 'Do you think that’s wise, sir?' before returning to his thermos flask of tea.

Chaos erupted when butcher Jack Jones spotted a lilo drifting ashore. 'Don’t panic! Don’t panic! They don’t like it up ’em!' he cried, charging at the inflatable with a bread knife. The lilo was later identified as belonging to a six-year-old local girl, who was not impressed when Jones tried to confiscate her armbands.

The platoon’s resident pessimist James Frazer surveyed the waves with a grim expression. 'We’re doomed! Doomed!' he insisted. 'If the immigrants don’t get us, the seagulls will!' Nobody contradicted him, mainly because it seemed plausible.

Charles Godfrey, the oldest member of the group, spent the morning politely asking if anyone had seen his slippers, before falling asleep in a deckchair, facing the wrong direction.

Dodgy dealer Joe Walker was busy flogging ‘genuine government-issue binoculars’, which he’d purloined from a local bird watching group. 'Best thing for spotting illegals, or peeping at girls sunbathing in bikinis,' he winked.

The youngest member of the group, Frank Pike, mistook a driftwood log for a submarine, but was quickly rebuked by Mainwaring, who snapped: 'You stupid boy!'

By sundown, Dad’s Army had successfully detained two Brummies in a pedalo, a stray dog, and a Mr Whippy van. The dog was later released, the Brummies are considering pressing charges, and the Mr Whippy van remains under armed guard.

Mainwaring hailed the mission a triumph: 'We have successfully defended our shores from threats both real and imagined. Mostly imagined.'

Local police later stated that Walmington-on-Sea has no record of migrant boats ever arriving there, possibly because the beach is mostly shingle and sewage outflow. They have asked the platoon to stand down, citing public nuisance laws.

Image credit: deep dream generator