Dad’s Army deployed to defend Walmington-on-Sea from illegal immigrants

The south-coast town of Walmington-on-Sea is being defended by a band of volunteers known as Dad’s Army, who patrol the beach in search of illegal immigrants arriving by boat. So far, the only boat they have apprehended belongs to a local fisherman, who was captured by the platoon, and forced to surrender his haddock.

The group's captain, George Mainwaring, spoke to reporters yesterday. 'We’re the last line of defence for this country,' he declared, tripping over a deckchair. 'The government may have radar, the navy, and the border force, but none of them has my organisational genius.' He then shot a seagull with an air rifle, in case it was an enemy reconnaissance drone.

His second-in-command, Arthur Wilson, gently murmured: 'Do you think that’s wise, sir?' before returning to his thermos flask of tea.

Chaos erupted when butcher Jack Jones spotted a lilo drifting ashore. 'Don’t panic! Don’t panic! They don’t like it up ’em!' he cried, charging at the inflatable with a bread knife. The lilo was later identified as belonging to a six-year-old local girl, who was not impressed when Jones tried to confiscate her armbands.

The platoon’s resident pessimist James Frazer surveyed the waves with a grim expression. 'We’re doomed! Doomed!' he insisted. 'If the immigrants don’t get us, the seagulls will!' Nobody contradicted him, mainly because it seemed plausible.

Charles Godfrey, the oldest member of the group, spent the morning politely asking if anyone had seen his slippers, before falling asleep in a deckchair, facing the wrong direction.

Dodgy dealer Joe Walker was busy flogging ‘genuine government-issue binoculars’, which he’d purloined from a local bird watching group. 'Best thing for spotting illegals, or peeping at girls sunbathing in bikinis,' he winked.

The youngest member of the group, Frank Pike, mistook a driftwood log for a submarine, but was quickly rebuked by Mainwaring, who snapped: 'You stupid boy!'

By sundown, Dad’s Army had successfully detained two Brummies in a pedalo, a stray dog, and a Mr Whippy van. The dog was later released, the Brummies are considering pressing charges, and the Mr Whippy van remains under armed guard.

Mainwaring hailed the mission a triumph: 'We have successfully defended our shores from threats both real and imagined. Mostly imagined.'

Local police later stated that Walmington-on-Sea has no record of migrant boats ever arriving there, possibly because the beach is mostly shingle and sewage outflow. They have asked the platoon to stand down, citing public nuisance laws.

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