Everyone relieved ‘Macron’ isn’t somehow French for ‘le Sword’

Emmanuel Macron, star of such erotic films as Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle The Joys of a Woman, Goodbye Emmanuelle, Emmanuelle 4, 5, 6 and 7, has been re-elected President of France. As a re-elected President, Macron may now style himself as 'Le Grande Fromage'.

His opponent was Marine Le Pen and there was general relief among non-racists everywhere that Le Pen proved not to be mightier than anything. She did remember to hide her racist light under a racist bushel for most of her campaign, with slogans such as 'I'm not racist (wink)', 'OK fine, I’m not as racist (as my dad)' and 'Let’s paint the Eiffel Tower white'. A spokesman for Le Pen said ‘France for the French – oh, how did that suitcase full of rubles get there? I guess we’ll never know.’

Cake to become next PM

The birthday cake that Boris Johnson was given in June 2020 is tipped to be Britain's next Prime Minister, according to Downing Street insiders today.

Speaking from behind the bike sheds at no 10 and furtively sipping a glass of tap water, an aide said "the Party is looking for something bright, relatable and that everyone would fancy a bit of. The cake stands out way ahead of the other contenders, especially when it's candles are lit. Admittedly, it's a bit stale, the cream filling has gone off a bit by now and the whole thing will probably need to go in the bin soon, but then.. excuse me - hello Prime Minster! Yes of course it's vodka."

However, there is no guarantee that Britain can look forward to a sweet sponge-based government, as it's understood that the cake has also had a lucrative offer from the BBC to be its new chief political reporter, based on its skill in ambushing politicians.

Image: Pixabay/ulleo

Sue Gray report labels Boris a ‘total lightweight’

Sue Gray will report that Boris Johnson is a “lightweight” who “can’t handle his drink”, a leaked extract from her highly anticipated report reveals.

“Almost the entire nation turned drink to help them get through the horrors of lockdown,” the report will say. “Many people started to find excuses to drink earlier. I mean, I was on the gin shortly after lunch most days.

“Yet if we believe Boris, he only stayed at one party for half an hour and his birthday party was only ten minutes long. He is either lying or a total lightweight.”

Further damning evidence suggests that there was even one day when there wasn’t a party at Number 10, the report adds.

One backbench MP said the findings put Boris out of step with the rest of the parliamentary Conservative Party.

“Even before the pandemic, there was a drinking culture on the backbenches,” they said. “He has really let the side down this time. I’d write a letter of no confidence but to be honest, I’m a bit too pissed at the moment.”

Image: Pixabay/Bru_nO