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Internal Combustion Engine references to be phased out of political rhetoric by 2035

Updated: Jun 6



The use of the phrase “Turbocharging” in relation to policies is wasteful and unnecessary for everyday communication. By 2035, all government petrol and diesel engine political references are to be discontinued, and new electrical vehicle-based ones to be used instead, probably from China.


Instead of saying departments are “Firing on all cylinders”, government representatives will experiment with phrases like “rotating between magnetic fields” and “utilising electromagnetism to the max” so not to appear lame and out of touch.


In speeches, the use of “Supercharged” is only to be used in relation to fast charging electric vehicles, rather than a traditional mechanical compressor system. This will definitely not be confusing and will work out really well.


One of the issues with referencing electric motors is that instead of cool sounding kit like 4.2L V6 engines, they have rather pathetic parts, such as “squirrel cages”. This has not done well in focus groups and will therefore be used as much as possible.


image from pixabay


Reform rebrands as The Nigel Farage Party


The Nigel Farage Party, sometimes known as Reform, previously The Brexit Party, and before that UKIP, is solely represented by its main character, Nigel Farage.


In all of today’s interviews, he stated with clear vagueness how he, and to a lesser extent the rest of the party, would do everything better for less money. The Faragester was readily available for every media opportunity, including ones for other parties. The Head of the Reform Communications Team, Mr Farage, was also doing the rounds this morning, answering questions that interviewers were clearly not asking him.


The Director of the NFP Media Team, Big Nige, handled the radio work and the Vice President of Public Relations, who is the son of Guy Justus Oscar Farage, pulled an all-nighter on Russia Today.


Even after hours and hours of statements, speeches and conversations by the one single entity formerly known as the Reform Party, not much was actually said. Mainly 'Labour Bad, Tories failed, that thing that Labour messed up, we wouldn’t have done that…..skip to the end… only I can fix it.'


Reporters did manage to find a lone ex-Reform MP, a weaker one who had strayed too far from the group, and were about to question them on some of their early social media posts when the dominant male appeared and broke up the attack with a sharply snarled 'Allow me to finish…'



Picture credit: Stable Diffusion

Conservative MPs sue Party for PTSD after Question Time appearances



Dave (not his real name) is a Conservative MP. He told NewsBiscuit about the terrors of being sent “over the top” onto Question Time: ‘It’s horrific. You’ve got ten, maybe twelve backbenchers who owe favours or we’re in the shit for something – usually sexual. It’s like the First World War trenches, only with bigger rats.


‘The whips are right bastards. There’s one, I can’t think of him without shuddering, he just walks down the line making eye contact until you lower your eyes. Then you feel a hand on your shoulder and it’s your turn’.


Jenny (not her real name) is a junior minister: ‘They make you face the public. The actual public. Even from twenty, thirty feet away they smell. Not as bad as the rivers, obvs, but it’s still horrid. Who’d have thought people would be so upset about a bit of shit being pumped into their rivers 850 times a day?’


As soon as Question Time ends the Conservative cannon fodder is whisked away to a treatment centre. An undercover journalist working for NewsBiscuit infiltrated the centre posing as a care worker. What she saw was heartbreaking. ‘There was this old chap, must have been respectable once, just rocking back and forth, rubbing his knees and crying silently. Tears streaming down his face but no sound emerging. It was chilling.


‘Those are referred to as ‘the wets’. Don’t know why. There’s a separate wing – Darwin - where the others hang out. That’s party central – booze, drugs, music. The ones who can hack it, who actually enjoy the abuse – they’re the future of the Party. They’re assessed by psychiatrists and if they score high in the psychopath tests they’re promoted at the next reshuffle. God knows what the party will be like after a few more rounds of Darwinism’.


Charles Darwin was unavailable for comment. He’s dead, apparently. Wet.



First published 14 May 2023



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