Vox pops from Makerfield

Our question: Do you think Andy Burnham will win the Makerfield seat?

The responses:

'Who? Which seat? Are you one of those BBC bastards who ought to be telling us how much Farage has had in corrupt donations this week; and why ain’t you telling us why he ain’t had his collar felt yet?'

'Andy Burnham? My mum loves him and has had a crush on him ever since he was in Oasis.'

'I think Andy Burnham would make a good MP for Makerfield, but I can’t understand how he can fit that in, if he’s flying round the world talking to Trump, Macron and Carney.'

'An election? Not anovvvvvver one!'

'Makerfield? You’re having a laugh, aincher? Nowt’s been made here since they pulled t’mill down and turned it into a field. When I grew up, this were all dark satanic mills… Those were t’days.

Image credit: Wix AI

‘I needed to take a dump’ says Streeting

Health Secretary Wes Streeting insisted he only spent 20 minutes with the Prime Minister at Downing Street yesterday morning because he needed to take a dump.

Streeting said the impromptu call was a result of a particularly spicy prawn jalfrezi that had triggered a violent bowel movement soon after leaving the house.

‘Me and a couple of mates stopped off for a few beers on the way home from work and ended up in the local curry house’ said Wes ‘…..it absolutely trashed my insides this morning. I was in the Downing Street area and decided I could just about make the downstairs toilet before soiling myself.

'I only saw Keir for a brief moment …..I had run out of toilet paper, and he passed me a roll under the door.

'On the way out I said ‘I'd give it five minutes if I were you’…..he wasn’t very pleased. I think he thought I meant five minutes before resigning, but I meant five minutes for the jalfrezi to clear.

Image credit: Wix AI

One bad apple not spoiling the barrel because the rest are truly rancid

Some newly elected bad apples have barely had time to fester and stink up the place before being forced to resign over being really bad apples. These apples were bitter and disgusting and wouldn’t even have made the grade for a supermarket's own brand cider.

The curiously well-funded orchard - where these bad apples are grown - have tried to claim that, despite a few bad apples, the rest of the barrels are unaffected. That is despite the putrid stench caused by all the things those apples have done, said and posted online.

A cursory inspection revealed that the bottom of these barrels have not yet been fully scraped, so more waves of as yet unimaginable filth seem crushingly inevitable.

Image credit: Wix AI