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The Reform Party now has more members than the Conservatives.  This is probably because Reform is dirt cheap to join.  A grubby twenty-five quid in used notes will get you in (ten quid for concessions) and you get a free flag.  And if you can't afford the fee, then Aaron Banks will probably pay it for you.  Anything to get the numbers up.


Labour charges an impressive £70.50 a year, because party membership fees aren’t included in the ONS inflation calculations, and because ‘We’re Worth It’.  Psychologists say that a high price sends a signal that the product is high quality.  Voters says that psychologists don’t know what they’re on about.  Do you remember that old bargain offer of Labour membership for three quid?  Long gone, just like Ed Miliband.


Plaid Cymru, the Greens, and Your Party (name correct at time of publication) all charge £60.  Plaid Cymru offers a bargain rate for £2 a year, if you are under 18, or a sheep, and you get a My First Party app for your smartphone. You may also need to be Welsh. That wasn’t clear.  Plaid is a good party to join if you have a burning desire to get into politics.


The Lib Dems charge £50 – remember them?  For just £50 you can enjoy watching 72 MPs punching well below their weight.  Do the Lib Dems get fourteen times the publicity that Reform gets with 5 MPs?  Nope.


You can join the Conservatives for £39 a year.  Cash payments are encouraged; euros not accepted.  If you are unwaged, then the annual fee rises to £78.  Despite the bargain-basement price, membership numbers continue to plummet faster than lemmings off a cliff.  The Tories have haemorrhaged members after the shame of the Brexit, Boris and Liz Truss debacles, and disastrous election results, and disastrous policies.  If you can afford to pay a bit more - an extra million or so - then you can play an active role in setting party policies.


Finally, the SNP charge a bargain-basement annual fee of £12, inadvertently reinforcing an unacceptable racial stereotype.  Membership includes free motorhome insurance.  Do the SNP’s 9 MPs get twice the publicity that Reform gets?  Nay.


Anyway, times is hard. The New Year is always a good time to review subscriptions that you don’t use.  Magazines, gym subscriptions, streaming services, and, yes, political parties, too.  

Maybe Poundland should start a political party. Then we’d all be quids in...




December 2024


In December 2024 everything happened to a backing track of Christmas carols, making them seem ever-so-slightly less awful. In the UK, there was another Andrew-formerly-known-as-Prince controversy. This one was about his links with a Chinese spy. But can you list all the Andrew controversies since then? Thought not. The government offered health workers a measly pay increase, compensated LGBT service personnel, but decided (at the time) not to compensate the Waspi women. Planning any more U-turns, Keir? The prison service scandal of the day was about prisoners on early release being mistakenly released too early. How times have changed. And the UK economy continued to stutter. Re...re...re…cession? How times have changed.


In the New Year’s honours list, Sadiq Khan was recognised for services to congestion, and Gareth Southgate got a knighthood for trying really, really hard at the footie, and for always wearing a suit.


In entertainment news, Greg Wallace was deemed too unsavoury for cooking shows, and the BBC went on far too much about the Gavin & Stacey Christmas special.


After overdosing on the US presidential election for all of 2024, the media decided not to report any news from America this month.


Here is a selection of the top Newsbiscuit stories from December 2024, selected by popular vote. Thanks to the three people who voted… Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


Politics


Stories about Christmas, and Prince Charmless


Sport and Entertainment


Other news


And here are the Headlines...


Politics

Labour brings in Tory cuts

Labour government makes absolute commitment to reduce immigration 'to some extent'

Compo results: LGBT veterans £70k - Waspi women £nil

Waspi women retire hurt

'So Nigel Farage. What first attracted you to the billionaire Elon Musk?'


Entertainment

BBC expected to dial down the Gavin & Stacey stories in February

BBC refuses to comment on 'culture of silence'

Wallace led me around on all fours, says Gromit

Masterchef to remain on air with Wallace's head replaced by deepfake potato


Andrew M-W

Prince Andrew sweating now

Andrew can't even send out for a Chinese now


Organisations

Samaritans not happy with Christmas Jumper day

Quitters Anonymous disband during first meeting

Weight Watchers: still big in UK


And finally...

A single cigarette takes £1.30 off your life, say scientists

Single man with bad handwriting is UK's most illegible bachelor

Ruthless bounty hunter tears sweet shop apart

The last two candidates to illustrate auction catalogue have to draw lots

A woman took time off work to have a Brazilian butt lift. Now she’s all behind



Image credit: deep dream generator


Scientists today announced they’ve discovered a way to turn the factional infighting of Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana’s Your Party into a limitless source of cheap energy.


'The trouble with existing hydrogen-based fission reactors is that you have to put the material under extreme heat and pressure to make it split into its component parts,' explained Dr Bunsen Honeydew. 'So most of the energy you get out, you have to put straight back in to keep the reaction going.


'But this new material, yourpartium, is incredible - you just need a tiny amount and it gets overheated and starts splitting all by itself. In fact, some experiments suggest you just need a single atom of corbynium and one of sultanium, and fission occurs almost immediately.'


Newspaper columnists and cartoonists confirmed they also find the party a limitless source of cheap gags, often referencing the People’s Front of Judea from Monty Python’s 'Life of Brian'.


'However, it does have the same problem fission always does,' Dr Honeydew continued, 'in that it produces a rather toxic waste product - in this case, bitterness. 


'Clearly, we need to find a way of disposing of it safely. One suggestion is to combine it with the former Prince Andrew’s bitterness at losing his titles and status, and dump the whole lot out at sea.'



Image credit: NB archives

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