A man who wiped his backside using squares cut from the Daily Mail claims he's become a ranting xenophobe as a result.
Dave Phelps from Warwick said it started when a well-intentioned dinner party joke backfired next morning after he wiped his arse with the newspaper, having forgotten to switch it back to his Waitrose triple-ply super soft.
'But by then it was too late. I’d gone and wiped me bum with the Mail and within minutes I was slagging off my longtime best friend and next door neighbour, Ahmed. I told my missus he came in illegally on one of them rubber boats, despite him having been my golf buddy for almost ten years.'
Toxicologist, Professor Craig Lennox commented. ‘I understand the squares were particularly toxic. Packed as they were with totally unfounded lies, racial slurs and unbridled hatred. I’m no expert in this particular area but perhaps as his wife, Moira, suggests, if mister Phelps begins wiping his behind with The Express it may start to reverse the condition.’
Photo by Photo Boards on Unsplash
