Oblivion crisis deepens

While the government has worked hard to reduce the amount of foreigners entering the country by boat, plane and bus replacement service, the real problem is the increase in Oblivions.

'Superficially they look like us, speak like us and are seemingly embedded in our culture,' said a government spokesman today, 'but they hunt in packs, taking non-oblivions down every day,' he added.

Oblivions walk around supermarkets, stopping suddenly or turning without notice in front of other shoppers, usually holding a jar of pickles aloft while blocking the aisle with their shopping trolley.  Obviously they fail to realise they have to pay for goods only when the last item has been scanned and even then decide they need to go back and pick up another box of cornflakes, leaving you waiting further.

They drive like they've never seen the Highway Code and take up the entire width of any pavement they find themselves on when walking.  They turn in front of other motorists without warning, as if other cars are in receipt of a motoring Cloak of Invisibility, and park in at least two spaces concurrently.  Given access to a mobility scooter they treat the highway like the pavement.  In fact, they use both surfaces interchangeably, often at the same time.

'We are issuing non-oblivions with a roll of bandage each,' said the spokesman.  'It will be long enough to wrap themselves up in - it seemed to work for the Invisible Man, we're hoping it will work for normal people too,' said the spokesman.  'We recommend wrapping the cars in bandages as well, but obviously the budget won't stretch to that.

Photo by Terry Vlisidis on Unsplash

Stop the small flights!

Due to a bit of instability near their “home” countries, the UK is expecting an influx of desperate poor decision makers into the UK. Starmer’s regime is even laying flights on for these toerags who contribute little to the UK.'

'I bet if you search their social media history, they will be bad mouthing the UK and saying how awful it is. Then suddenly, when reality smacks them in their tax avoiding faces, who’s here to save them?' said one red face.

'They’ll expect to be in fancy hotels as soon as they land; we’ll all be paying for these flights you know, the UK taxpayer. They’ll be going past countries like Monaco on the way here, so why don’t they stay there?'

London Mayor Sadiq Khan promised to provide them with the full Sharia Law treatment, so they didn’t miss home.

Photo by Yuri G. on Unsplash

Reform says Frankie the escaped flamingo should be prosecuted

Reform says that Frankie, the Caribbean flamingo that recently escaped from Paradise Park Wildlife Sanctuary in Hayle, Cornwall, on 2 November, should be prosecuted.

After the escape the bird was seen a few days later in Goulven Bay in northern France where it appears to have settled, no doubt attracted by the wide availability of baguettes and croissants.

A Reform spokesperson said: 'Obviously she’s a free-spirited thing, much like our leader, but that doesn't give her the right to fly roughshod over the UK’s admittedly ramshackle immigration laws. If she thinks she can just bugger off to France like she’s on some Tui holiday, then she has another thing coming.

'As I understand it, she has been living in Cornwall for two years without the relevant paperwork, and just amusing tourists by catching the odd fish and balancing on one leg. Or is that a heron? Whatever. She hasn’t been contributing. Anyhow, she's France’s problem now and hopefully she won’t come back.'

But the French aren’t happy either. The mayor of Goulven said: 'Our resources are already stretched by

les petits bateaux’ [literally ‘the little cakes’] and we have no easy way of sending Frankie home. But I guess if push comes to shove, we can always make her prime minister.'

Photo by Lex Melony on Unsplash