Stung by accusations they aren’t taking the small boats crisis seriously, preferring to let the English police deal with migrants once they arrive in Kent, the French police announced they were sending their top man, Inspector Jacques Clouseau of the Sûreté.
Clouseau spent his first few days standing on the beach, calmly watching the migrants as they climbed into small boats and set off across the channel. When his assistant François suggested they’d done enough observation and should actually do something, Clouseau agreed, saying it was time for lunch. Moreover, that afternoon and the three days afterwards were a holiday to commemorate the birthday of the President’s dog. “And after zat, of course, it’s ze long weekend.”
When Clouseau returned the following Wednesday, refreshed and more determined than ever to do his duty for France, migrants were nevertheless able to get past him because he was distracted by his manservant Cato constantly attacking him without warning.
He then formulated a plan to disguise himself as a migrant, infiltrate the group and switch their dinghy for one with a leak, forcing them to remain in France. However, a series of comedic mishaps meant he ended up in the leaky dinghy himself, sinking while the bemused migrants sailed past him in a catamaran, the water washing off the blackface makeup you’d never get away with these days.
After several more disasters, he was hauled over the coals by Chief Inspector Dreyfus, who called him an incompetent, bumbling halfwit who couldn’t run a bath, and asked if he’d ever considered a career in politics.
This left the crisis in the hands of the policeman from ‘Allo ‘Allo, who later reported “I was woking on the bitch when I saw a crood of purple climbing into a small boot.”
image from pixabay
Updated: Jun 5
The Home Office today announced a new plan to deal with illegal migrants arriving on small boats.
Entitled “France really isn’t so bad”, the campaign will try to persuade migrants who’ve already made it to France that they should stay there, and not imagine Britain is some kind of promised land it’s worth risking your life to reach.
The campaign will use positive images of France such as fields of lavender or sunflowers, baguettes and croissants, the Côte d’Azur, and the gentle buzz of a Citroen 2CV as it wends it way through sun-soaked Provence.
These will be contrasted with images of Wetherspoons’ chucking-out time on a Saturday night in Basildon, a damp sandwich bought on the Kings Cross to Manchester train, a run-down seaside resort on a rainy November Monday, or any footage of Keir Starmer.
“It really shouldn’t be hard to convince people France is nice,” said a cabinet minister. “Any idiot could do it. At least I hope so, since I’m giving the contract to an old school chum who never struck me as all that bright.”
image from pixabay