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Reform says that Frankie, the Caribbean flamingo that recently escaped from Paradise Park Wildlife Sanctuary in Hayle, Cornwall, on 2 November, should be prosecuted.


After the escape the bird was seen a few days later in Goulven Bay in northern France where it appears to have settled, no doubt attracted by the wide availability of baguettes and croissants.


A Reform spokesperson said: 'Obviously she’s a free-spirited thing, much like our leader, but that doesn't give her the right to fly roughshod over the UK’s admittedly ramshackle immigration laws. If she thinks she can just bugger off to France like she’s on some Tui holiday, then she has another thing coming.


'As I understand it, she has been living in Cornwall for two years without the relevant paperwork, and just amusing tourists by catching the odd fish and balancing on one leg. Or is that a heron? Whatever. She hasn’t been contributing. Anyhow, she's France’s problem now and hopefully she won’t come back.'


But the French aren’t happy either. The mayor of Goulven said: 'Our resources are already stretched by

les petits bateaux’ [literally ‘the little cakes’] and we have no easy way of sending Frankie home. But I guess if push comes to shove, we can always make her prime minister.'


Photo by Lex Melony on Unsplash

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So-called news channel GB News is to live stream the arrival of asylum seekers at Dover in small boats. This second news channel, provisionally titled The English Channel, will broadcast live 24/7 and will supply highlights to the news channel.


Refugee charities have agreed to allow cameras on their boats, to show the appalling conditions in which asylum seekers cross. 'It was a difficult call,' said the charities' spokesman. 'We know that Reform has a different agenda, but we liked the irony of using their money to help the asylum seekers.'


GB News is excited by its new channel. 'Our viewers will be able to get angry whenever they want. Round the clock coverage of small boats arriving will be like manna from heaven. This should see off Fox News and the other weirdo channels.'


Border Force are less pleased. 'Our staff will be on telly, doing their jobs, but without an artists contract. No make up. No intimacy coordinator. No chow truck. No pay. Worst of all - not even a sniff at an Equity card.


To add insult to injury, another TV company plans to film a documentary about the live streaming. 'It'll be mayhem,' said our source. 'We are considering making our own documentary about them, to set the record straight and counterbalance any less than impartial journalism.'


'Then we can get ourselves Equity cards and ensure that we get a fair share of broadcast fees. And we're planning to have a TV tie in book out for Christmas too.


'Ker-ching!'


image from google gemini

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A Labour spokesperson today has announced plans for the renaming of the process of seeking asylum as 'Emergency Holibobs' and of asylum seekers as 'Unexpected Campers'. An unconfirmed source also said there were plans to rename asylum hotels as 'Hi-de-hi Holibobs Camps'.


'It is clear the British public are seeking clarification around the process of seeking asylum; those seeking it; and what we can afford to extend to them during their temporary stay', said Felicity Rhodia, the newly crowned Emergency Holibob Chief Yellow Coat. 'We can confirm today the change in nomenclature to engender a less confrontational set of terms that will hopefully puncture the current atmosphere of distrust and suspicion. Hi de hi, campers!'


New services for Unexpected Campers will extend to ballroom dancing tuition; talent competitions; local excursions to volunteer for fruit picking and manual labour; and shuffleboard.


Ms Rhodia concluded, 'Come on everyone, let's make the best of fleeing for your life in terror!'



Image credit: perchance.org

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