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The Maltese Falcon remake called 'My Driving Glasses'


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The story centres on three family members, all of whom are competing to obtain some misplaced glasses. They repeatedly double-cross each other, with Dad threatening to hire a private detective to murder the lot of them.


Hunting perpetually but never finding them, this is classic film noir or at least classic Dad being forgetful. When asked where he last left them, Dad enigmatically replied that their location was 'the stuff that dreams are made of'.


Ironically, just like the first film, it is implied that the glasses may never have existed in the first place. And who can forget the original climax of the movie, when Humphrey Bogart discovers the falcon had been hanging on a cord around his neck, all along.




Waste disposal, the UK way


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Gary, who is having an extension to his house, had a load of waste that he needed to be taken away. Delville, a local handyman, offered to take it away and dispose of it for a reasonable fee, and so Gary agreed. Later that day, Gary walked around the corner from his house and saw the rubbish piled on the pavement. He complained to Delville, who offered a refund of part of the money but claimed that he could not move the waste because he was, in his words, 'short of resource'. Gary contacted a different waste disposal contractor to remove the next load of waste. However, at the agreed time it was Delville who turned up with a truck and began loading the waste. When challenged, Delville explained that he had accepted a subcontract from the other disposal firm. He added that he was the only waste disposal operative in the area and there was 'zero chance' that anyone else would do it. Again, Gary went for a walk and found the waste dumped on a local pavement. He then hired a truck himself and began loading his waste. Delville turned up and told him to stop, as he was was not a licenced operator. Delville called the police, who told Gary that he was not allowed to transport the waste himself. 'At least I'm not as bad as the water companies' said Delville. 'I only take your money when you get the builders in.'




Spanish FA’s sexism gets out-Fox-ed


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Now that the GB News gig may be up, self-styled 'man' and confirmed 'bellend' Laurence Fox is angling to be appointed the manager of the Spanish women’s football team. After all, what that team really needs is the unwanted attentions of a man.


Fox is thought to know little about football and definitely nothing about women, so he is likely to select the 11 Spanish players that 'any self-respecting man would climb into bed with'. It’s not yet clear if he will include any of Spain’s current World Cup winning squad or even if he will field a goalkeeper.


A spokesgammon for Fox bellowed 'Cruyff’s total football requires any player to play in any position. So does Lozza’s - any position in bed with a self-respecting man that is. Oi oi!'


'Surely Billie Piper will take him back now?'




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