Starstruck ICE stormtroopers flock to watch 'Melania'

The streets of Minneapolis were eerily quiet as ICE agents knocked off early from herding immigrants onto cattle trucks and executing citizens to go and watch the film 'Melania'.

'I read reviews of it in Rolling Stein magazine,' raved one ICE commandant, wearing a regulation brown shirt, jackboots and face scarf. 'They said it's the best propaganda film since Triumph of The Will.'

'Melania Knauss is America's Eva Braun!' gushed an ICE stormtrooper, equipped with a Mauser and coalscuttle helmet. 'She is a goddess! No mere mortal could wear that much mascara without going blind.'

Also packing out cinemas to see the pisspoor, tedious Melania documentary were students on a rag week.

'It's like the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but with a lead actress who can't act or sing, and has zero sense of humour, so it's hilarious!' sniggered one student.

'We throw rice at the screen and cry 'ah!' when Trump tries to kiss Melania at his inauguration, but gets blocked by her broad brimmed hat.'

In cities across the US, ICE agents have been deployed to force residents into cinemas at gunpoint to watch Melania.

'There's a high risk people will of boredom in there, but we don't care,' said an ICE ubergruppenfuhrer, who was barging an old lady towards the box office with an electric cattle prod.

'We must please the Fuhrer - I mean the President - by making sure that 'Melania' breaks all records in its first weekend, even if it deserves to be a miserable flop.'

'Heil Trump! Heil Knauss!' chanted the phalanx of Sturmabteilung behind him. 'Glory to the hit movie 'Melanoma'!'

Image credit: perchance.org

Churchwardens struggling to keep Reform afloat

As news broke today that a part-time Churchwarden from Potters Bar has funnelled £200,000 into Reform in the last six months, the Churchwarden has spoken about the strain of finding the money to keep Reform UK Ltd afloat out of his non-existent salary.

'Nigel suggested it would be easy,' he said. 'After all, the Reform leader's girlfriend had managed to find nearly £1 million pounds to buy a house near Clacton, despite not having an income of any note.  I do some conveyancing,' he added, 'but I didn't get the Clacton gig.  'That would have made the donations so much easier.'

The Churchwarden is expected to make up some of the shortfall by advising on architectural landscaping, a subject he doesn't have any experience of.  'Apparently some foreign billionaire wants me to act as a consultant as long as I use the fee to help Reform out,' he said.

A Reform spokesman said Dear Leader would be able to help out with fundraising, if needed. 'He could arrange flowers on the occasional Sunday, as long as a photo-op was included.  And, of course, payment.  In crypto.' 

Image credit: perchance.org

Trump deploys ICE agents to Iran for crowd control training

World-leading anti-Christ, Nobel Prize winner, and U.S. President Donald Trump has announced his beautiful ICE guys need 'elite international training' in the art of protest suppression.

Addressing a visibly confused press conference onboard Air Force One, Trump said America no longer set the gold standard in state-sanctioned brutality. 'The USA is the number one nation in history — but thanks to Biden, we’re slipping. We’re behind North Korea, we’re behind China, and we’re behind some place called Turkmenistan. I’ve never been there, nobody’s been there, but apparently they’re very good at killing their own people. Very tremendous numbers.'

Trump went on to criticise his own security forces for what he described as a 'pathetic performance'.

'Our guys have only killed thirty-two pro-Biden left-wing activists so far in custody. Thirty-two. And only one shot in the head. One! That’s not even trying. That’s like community policing. The Iranians? You step outside in Tehran, and you’re basically worm food in a box. That’s what you call leadership.'

The president concluded by unveiling what he called a 'historic new political movement'.

'If the Iranians, Xi, Turk-whatever and Putin can murder people indiscriminately, then frankly, #metoo.

Image credit: perchance.org