David Cameron announces interest in England Manager role

In a surprise attempt to return to public office for a third time, David Cameron has announced his interest in the vacant post of England Manager.

Lord Cameron of Chipping Norton has released a statement in which he says, ‘Look, I am very keen on the role of England Manager. There are people who say I know bugger all about football, but I have plenty of experience in sudden and disappointing exits from Europe.

'It might come as a surprise, but I've always enjoyed the game, even while I was Foreign Secretary. I'd occasionally pop out of a boring NATO meeting, pull on a pair of Converse pumps that Sam had picked out for me, and do a couple of uppy keepies.  

'And I know how popular the game is to the British people, especially outside the Cotswolds. Visiting tradespeople always speak highly of it.  I tell anyone whether they are a proud Tottenham Villa fan or West Harlequins that I’ve had experience dealing with difficult left-wingers over the years, although it’s the right-wingers in my own team who are the real bastards.

Look, I know the players will be looking forward to me scrumming down with them. There are some who have apparently taken a keen interest in the alleged incident involving a part of my anatomy and a pig’s head and I say to them, fine, I would be delighted to perform it again at Wayne Lineker’s bar in Ibiza.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Poor children 'excited' for creation of Child Poverty Taskforce

Children in poorer areas of the UK are said to be 'buzzing' for Labour's creation of a taskforce to address child poverty.

Luke Lyle, 7, said 'I can't wait to play Taskforces in the playground with my friends. I imagine it's like Avengers assembling. I am quite hungry though because my parents can't afford lunches every day. If Labour would just abolish the Tory two child benefit cap, then I could have some lunch, rather than waiting until the Taskforce inevitably makes that recommendation anyway.'

'Please sir. Can I have some more?'

'More?!' blustered one Conservative, almost dropping his monocle into his brandy in horror. 

'Poor children should be working, cleaning the chimneys in my country retreat. Anyway, you can't just... give poor people money! What if they use it to make better lives for themselves? That would simply never do.'

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Angela Rayner eats breakfast, is condemned by Conservatives

A condition called 'Rayner-rage' is turning Conservatives and the right-wing press a crimson colour with impotent fury. It is, however, more existential than policy-based.

One morning, Angela Rayner’s alarm clock woke her up. She had a bagel and coffee for breakfast, then had a shower.

Conservative commentator Clementine Carruthers conspired, 'Her alarm clock probably isn't even John Lewis - typical lefty Britain-hater. That bagel proves that Labour is still antisemitic and that she is personally instituting Sharia law throughout England.  Her coffee probably cost £50, the champagne socialist. What's wrong with a British cup of tea? We're rejoining the EU by the back door! And unless she's showering with Keir Starmer, there must be huge disagreements already and she's being sidelined.'

Carruthers bought - and then ate - a copy of the Daily Mail comments section, before exploding.

Picture credit: Wix AI