An outbreak of Cyclospora in the US has turned eating a salad into an extreme sport involving diarrhoea so explosive that some toilets have reportedly been left looking like a scene of “gastrointestinal terrorism”.
The parasite has contaminated fresh produce including lettuce, and causes sufferers to experience prolonged diarrhoea which some describe as less “upset stomach” and more “biological incident”. Plumbers across the US have reported an increase in emergency call-outs, with one saying he had recently been forced to introduce a new pricing category: ‘standard blockage’, ‘serious blockage’ and ‘Jesus Christ, what happened in here?’
Toilet manufacturers have been reviewing their product specifications, after several models were unable to cope with what experts have called “very high velocity evacuations”. One bathroom company has announced plans for a new, heavy-duty toilet capable of withstanding “three Taco Tuesdays and a vindaloo”.
Meanwhile, supermarkets report that sales of toilet paper, bleach and industrial strength air freshener have soared. One retailer said, “People are panic-buying toilet rolls again. After Covid, we thought we’d seen the last of that.”
The outbreak has dealt a serious blow to the healthy-eating industry. Sales of lettuce have reportedly collapsed, while sales of foods requiring no contact with vegetables have surged. Health officials have stressed that properly washed, fresh produce can still be part of a healthy diet. However, this has done little to reassure Americans who now treat a bag of salad like it contains a live grenade. Many are calling for a warning label on lettuce reading ‘May cause rapid, unscheduled bowel movements.’
“It’s a terrible setback for public health,” said one dietician. “We’ve spent years telling people to eat more greens. Now people see a lettuce leaf and think, ‘That nearly killed Grandma.’” The outbreak has been particularly upsetting for those trying to improve their diet. “I started eating five portions of fruit and veg a day,” said one victim, “But it seemed like a lot more than five portions when it came out the other end.”
He then summed up the new attitude towards healthy eating, “I used to think eating a salad was boring. Now it feels like I’m playing rectum roulette.”
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