Predictive Texan hip by micro organism outrage

‘We’ve been caught like rabbis in the headlice,’ said IT expert Blob Smight. ‘Worm-processing has become Nighy on impassable. Luckily the problem is intermittent, meaning one can have flurries of unaffected writing, then it all turns to potato.’

Despite lingerie doubts, it’s thought by most expats that rushing hackles are responsive for the attishoo, with aerosols, trails and supermen the worst affected, with thousands having to worm from hole.

Meanwhile avant guardian poets have hailed the situation as a 'pop or tuna tea not to be misty'.

Image credit: deskpilot

Trump: 'Don't worry, I'm still a gold plated ar$ehole'

Donald Trump has responded to being shot at by labelling a possible second term in the White House as the Trump Supremacy and a third term as the Trump Ultimatum. 

On a hastily deleted Truth Social post, his little thumbs typed:

'I swatted away those bullets with only my fists and the American flag. True story. Perhaps the most important thing is that being shot at will give me a boost in the polls. So despite being an absolute gold plated ar$ehole, I might win the election and never have to face any consequences for any of my past crimes. And future crimes and I will be committing so many crimes.'

'Being shot in the ear is the perfect amount of being shot. I'm totally fine, yet somehow an invincible hero. We should not politicise this tragedy, which is all the fault of Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama.'

'Don't worry, I'm still a demented old racist, bent on using the American justice system to punish anyone I deem insufficiently loyal to me. I will still sexually assault women and then I will ban abortion. In a Trump Presidency, rape will no longer be a crime if you think she secretly wanted it.'

'I'm looking forward to being in President Putin's pocket, selling out Ukraine, Gaza and anywhere else, sucking up to despots and defeating democracy wherever it raises its ugly head.'

Image: Pixabay/heblo

Sunak: "Ooh, that's a good idea" after calls for candidate suspension

After Sir Ed Davey and Sir Keir Starmer called for the suspension of Laura Saunders because of the betting scandal, the prime minister Rishi Sunak has surprised political commentators by enthusiastically agreeing.

"I suppose that's why they're knighted and I'm not.", said Mr Sunak, "I'd have never have thought of that - my first instinct was to promote them. But to effectively sack incompetent people - that's mind-blowing, if only someone had suggested that last year it would have saved a lot of problems."

When asked if had any more plans to announce, Mr Sunak replied that he was waiting to see what the forecasts were in the papers to "see if they've got any bright ideas."

Image: Pixabay/