I don't recall nailing Jesus to a cross, says Roman soldier

In the latest phase in the inquiry into the execution of Jesus of Nazareth, the soldiers accused of actually hammering in the nails have been giving evidence. Paulus Venellius (name flexible according to libel lawyer's advice) insisted that he had no recollection of ever nailing Jesus to a cross.

'And even if I did,' he continued, 'obviously, I would have only been obeying orders from above. If you ask me, it's that Pontius Pilate you should be asking. All very well his washing his hands in public and sending his laurel wreath back to the Emperor - but he was the official F-in-C (military term for the fellow in charge). I admit I did hear rumours of a bonus scheme whereby you had a target for how many executions per month, with extra points if the victims were totally innocent of any crime, but I have no record of getting any bonus payments.'

When questioned if he had any connections with the new cult of Christianity, he admitted to being open to suggestions. 'A new church, could be some good opportunities for promotion. Maybe end up with a bishopric – think that's the word I heard. I've always considered myself a man of faith. If this inquiry comes down against me, I have faith I'm tough enough to do a couple of weeks in sackcloth and ashes. But the idea of giving back my whole salary is totally out of the question. You can't get blood out of a stone, I've always said.'

Image by Steven Iodice from Pixabay

All international treaties are now to include an asterisk, and be 'subject to terms and conditions'

Several problems have arisen in recent years, when international treaties have been affected by unforseen events which make their implementation inappropriate or politically difficult. From now on the UK government will only sign a treaty if it contains a small asterisk (*) and a reference to terms and conditions which are listed elsewhere.

It is understood that the location of the terms and conditions is to kept as obscure as possible, in line with the usual commercial practice upon which the new policy is based. In fact, in line with insurance companies and telecoms providers, the conditions will not actually exist at the time of signing. They will be put in place later as events unfold.

If there is a need to change the treaty later, a short obscure letter will be sent to all the international bodies involved, addressed to 'the occupant'.

A spokesman for the government said the policy would not harm the UK's standing on the world stage at all. It was noted, however, that he was crossing his fingers behind his back at the time.

Image: Pixabay/Mohamed_Hassan

Premier refs admit to massive wind-up of Mark Clattenburg

Premier League referees have admitted that controversial decisions are being made purely to antagonise former colleague and now Nottingham Forest’s ‘referee analyst’, Mark Clattenburg. Professional Game Match Officials Limited (PGMOL), the organisation responsible for referees in England, said that their actions were meant as a laugh and were the equivalent of putting washing-up liquid in Mark’s whistle or spraying his shorts with Deep Heat.

The PGMOL admission follows formal accusations by Nottingham Forest initially implying bias and corruption, although those words have since been adjusted to suggest inconsistency and incompetence. A further statement from the club is expected shortly saying ‘hahahaha, good one you b*^*^%#s’.

Howard Webb, the current head of PGMOL, is well known for his sense of humour, as demonstrated by some of the penalties he awarded to Manchester United at Old Trafford during his refereeing career. It is also said that when Clattenburg took over from Webb as the head of refereeing in Saudi Arabia several years ago, he found a whoopee cushion on the chair and a mousetrap in one of the desk drawers.

As Clattenburg is the only former top-level referee employed by a Premier League club as a consultant, the PGMOL further confirmed that the wind-up has been confined to matches involving Nottingham Forest. All the other dodgy decisions and VAR controversies were primarily due to duff refereeing.

Clattenburg’s future with the club is uncertain following the PGMOL announcements, although Forest’s owner Evangelos Marinakis made no comment regarding Mark’s exact role with regard to iffy refereeing calls. Instead, Marinakas wished to point out that in his native Greece, he himself was cleared of all charges involving match fixing, bribery and attempting to influence the appointment of certain referees to certain games. It is absolutely understood that Mark Clattenburg is the only referee ever to have been paid by Marinakis.

Image:Pixabay/Mohamed_hassan