Jake Paul vs Mike Tyson officially sanctioned murder

The fight/death in July has been finally ratified by the boxing board and judge wearing a black hat.

Technically a boxing match but realistically a funeral, the bout will be streamed online, as will the following service at the crematorium.

The weigh-in will feature a measuring by an undertaker and pall-bearers have been selected to carry the loser from the ring.

Rather than a traditional fight with the rounds being held up on cards, the congregation will sing Pslam numbers, as Jake Paul leaves this mortal coil. The referee will instruct the boxers at the start of the fight, coupled with a moving eulogy for Mr. Paul.

Mourners will include anyone who bet against Iron Mike.

Image: Pixabay/andreas160578

Pontius Pilate outlines banned groups

Roman Governor Pilate confirmed today he will no longer talk to the following groups, ahead of next week’s Passover celebrations:

• Anyone against the occupation of Judea by foreign troops

• Any person who has overturned - or is planning to overturn - money lenders’ tables in the temple

• Anyone else who feels first century capitalism might perhaps need some reform

• That bloke campaigning for reduction in hypocrisy amongst religious and temporal leaders, world peace and equality for all. Can’t remember his name.

Mr Pilate confirmed from now on he would only be interviewed by people who agree “at least 90% with everything I believe”. ‘What works for clever-old me should work for everyone’ said Pilate. ‘Doesn’t matter whether it’s schools or the civil service. If you’re not smart or rich enough to do well in my systems, well, blame whatever god you happen to believe in. It’s not my fault.’

A spokeswoman for Jesus said ‘While we are disappointed to be outlawed, persecuted and facing almost certain death, it won’t be in vain. Two thousand years from now there shall a Gove from Scotland come forth, and, as Jesus’ loyal servant, will keep all His commandments. Although the Gove will also somehow agree 100% with Pilate’s approach. And stop the boats, whatever that means. Don’t ask me. I’m only the prophet, not the interpreter. ‘

Image:Pixabay/Airgilstudio

Bureau of Missing Countries set up

With Lee Anderson becoming the latest politician declaring he wants to "get his country back", it has been decided to set up a Bureau of Missing Countries to investigate exactly where all these elusive nations might have got to.

As the BMC's first client, Anderson was asked if he could describe the missing country. He confirmed that all the men had a "short back and sides" haircut, pop music had "proper tunes", people always stood for the national anthem, the air smelled permanently of Bisto, teenagers showed the proper respect, public services were well-funded despite taxes being low, there were no vegetarians to disrupt the traditional Sunday lunch with their "silly fads", and of course everyone was white.

Asked when he last saw this country, he said he'd briefly glimpsed it a few Sundays ago after lunch, while dozing in front of Miss Marple on the telly.

The bureau replied that they weren't sure this country had ever existed, but reassured him they'd certainly keep an eye out for it, and asked him which golf club bar he'd be propping up if they had any news.

In response to several enquires, they said they unfortunately couldn't help anyone who wanted to make their country great again, beyond suggesting that dropping everything else in their political programme might be a good start.

Image:Pixabay/kirill_makes_pics