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Eighteen-year-olds will be able to buy half-price train tickets for most services when railcard rules are changed later this month, the Department for Transport (DfT) has announced. The Government said the measure would be paid for through increased train ridership, with more people being able to access the discounted fares thus enhancing the overcrowding experience.


The rail minister claimed this, ‘common sense change is exactly what passengers should expect from the railway. Its unfair that 18 year olds cannot experience overcrowded services at the same price as 17 year olds. Under this new vote winning policy, they get to experience cost effective overcrowding themselves whilst performing a civic service to help make things worse for other passengers.


'As we move towards nationalisation of our railways, younger people really do need to experience at first hand the poor services endured by passengers when trains were last in public ownership.’ Amid claims of seat reservations being able to fix the problem, a spokesman for one rail operator said, ‘Customers already think we sell two tickets for every available seat. That is categorically wrong – we sell three tickets per seat and sometimes more on peak services.


'We are proud of our completely ineffective seat reservation enforcement system. This means that any passenger can sit in any seat regardless of whether they have reserved it or not. Under this new policy, the increased number of students and their luggage will give us further excuses for our train managers to be unable to travel along the train to keep everything in order’.


A London based operator said, ‘The seats on our flagship fleet of Class 700 trains are so uncomfortable that passengers prefer to stand. We are currently thinking of taking out seats altogether which will instantly solve any overcrowding issues on our trains.’


A student representative said, ‘This will save 18 year old students around £175. With interest payments on student loans equating to up to £10 a day, this will pay for 18 days interest’. For context, 18 days is how long it can take to get from Liverpool to Leeds by train.'


Not everyone is happy though. Low cost airlines are outraged with one saying, ‘British trains are the most expensive in Europe meaning only well off individuals can afford to use them. Everyone else is forced to travel by air. This subsidy will make rail travel affordable for 18 year olds which will have a direct impact on our business’.





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Following their bravura appearance at the World Cup Final – which included Animal making out with Madonna off-camera – FIFA has confirmed that its current head, Gianni Infantino, is to be replaced by Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy from the Muppet Show.


Infantino’s position had become untenable after his scheme to sell stakes in the World Cup to private investors met with widespread criticism.


It is the first time the organisation has had shared leadership and the first time the body has been co-led by a female. It is also, of course, the first time the organisation has been led by a frog and a pig.


Infantino said: “I am stepping down with my head held high because FIFA has just delivered the most profitable World Cup ever. I wish the Muppets the best of luck. People have been saying for years that FIFA has been run by a bunch of muppets. We decided to make it official.”


Kermit said: “Thank you Mister Giannibarmy Infantileideaseweezy. If you’re stuck for what to do now, Miss Piggy’s stye always needs cleaning. How’d you like to buy a stake in that?”


Other members of the much-loved TV show and movies are expected to be given senior positions to be announced in due course.


Statler and Waldorf, the two grumpy old guys in the box who heckle performers and gripe at each other, are expected to be offered roles as Directors of International Outreach. “Hey Walt. International Outreach eh? Last time you reached out they closed that Strait of Hummus again…”


“Well if it was you Stats, it’d be the Strait of Hernia…”





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Famous for his floppy hat and directionally labelled gardening footwear, the 80 year old mirth maker has finally stopped saying ‘Come ‘ere, there’s more’ because, quite clearly, there isn’t.


Born, probably, in Northern Ireland, Cricket turned his attention to comedy after a tour of duty as chief entertainment officer and Libyan go-between for the People’s Front of Ulster, and a short stint as bass player in Belfast punkers Stiff Little Fingers during the mid 70s, failed to raise the titters of approbation he so craved.


TV beckoned in the 80s, then quickly said, ‘alright that’s enough’, so Jimmy spent his later years touring the piers and clubs of the UK in his one man show ‘I was McIntyre’s mentor, don’t hold it against me.’


Paying tribute in a moving message on X, Dame Judy Dench said ‘No, I really don’t remember him.’





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