top of page
Search

Muppets to replace Infantino as head of FIFA


Following their bravura appearance at the World Cup Final – which included Animal making out with Madonna off-camera – FIFA has confirmed that its current head, Gianni Infantino, is to be replaced by Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy from the Muppet Show.


Infantino’s position had become untenable after his scheme to sell stakes in the World Cup to private investors met with widespread criticism.


It is the first time the organisation has had shared leadership and the first time the body has been co-led by a female. It is also, of course, the first time the organisation has been led by a frog and a pig.


Infantino said: “I am stepping down with my head held high because FIFA has just delivered the most profitable World Cup ever. I wish the Muppets the best of luck. People have been saying for years that FIFA has been run by a bunch of muppets. We decided to make it official.”


Kermit said: “Thank you Mister Giannibarmy Infantileideaseweezy. If you’re stuck for what to do now, Miss Piggy’s stye always needs cleaning. How’d you like to buy a stake in that?”


Other members of the much-loved TV show and movies are expected to be given senior positions to be announced in due course.


Statler and Waldorf, the two grumpy old guys in the box who heckle performers and gripe at each other, are expected to be offered roles as Directors of International Outreach. “Hey Walt. International Outreach eh? Last time you reached out they closed that Strait of Hummus again…”


“Well if it was you Stats, it’d be the Strait of Hernia…”





Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.


Vintage comedian Jimmy Cricket caught behind for 80


Famous for his floppy hat and directionally labelled gardening footwear, the 80 year old mirth maker has finally stopped saying ‘Come ‘ere, there’s more’ because, quite clearly, there isn’t.


Born, probably, in Northern Ireland, Cricket turned his attention to comedy after a tour of duty as chief entertainment officer and Libyan go-between for the People’s Front of Ulster, and a short stint as bass player in Belfast punkers Stiff Little Fingers during the mid 70s, failed to raise the titters of approbation he so craved.


TV beckoned in the 80s, then quickly said, ‘alright that’s enough’, so Jimmy spent his later years touring the piers and clubs of the UK in his one man show ‘I was McIntyre’s mentor, don’t hold it against me.’


Paying tribute in a moving message on X, Dame Judy Dench said ‘No, I really don’t remember him.’





Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

Andy Burnham appoints John Lewis to run British Steel


Following the Government’s nationalisation of British Steel, it has been announced that the John Lewis Partnership will run the business.


A government spokesman said ‘It’s a pattern we have seen in recent years where a National Institution runs an important Government operation, for example, Dame Judi Dench transformed MI6 under her tenure. She’d still be there if Commander Bond had reached her a bit quicker.’


Our political correspondent added, ‘This is a really shrewd move for Andy Burnham The John Lewis model of shared ownership and employee profit sharing is an excellent example of commercial socialism. Plus, the Government has said that their ultimate goal is to find private investors to co-invest in modernisation. John Lewis’s reputation of being a very safe pair of hands will land extremely well with nervous investors.’


When questioned about the rationale behind a retailer taking over the operation of a strategically important heavy industry, a spokesman for John Lewis said ‘If steel production ceases then it will be a while before the country's infrastructure starts to decline and people begin to notice. If Waitrose runs out of Duchy Organic sourdough at 8:15 on a Saturday morning customers behave as though civilisation itself has collapsed. Which just goes to show that, in modern Britain, the path from blast furnace to artisan focaccia is shorter than anyone ever imagined.


The spokesman went on to explain efficiencies which can be put into place immediately under this arrangement. ‘Steel manufacturing uses expensive lasers, ultrasonic testing and metallurgy laboratories for quality control. We plan to dispense with all of that. We have Margaret from Electricals. Margaret has been at John Lewis since 1988 and if Margaret says a toaster won't last, customers will quietly put it back.


Our customers have never had the chance to buy steel directly. We anticipate having a small range of plate, sheet and rolled steel available in store with the entire range online. This means that retail customers can now have metric tonne rolls of steel delivered directly to their homes within 24 hours. As far as we know, no other retailer worldwide does that – another first for John Lewis.’


It was rumoured that the NHS was also in the frame to run British Steel. This was apparently ruled out because both suffer from the magical belief that removing 10% of the budget will somehow increase output by 15% and that they both rely on enormous machines that everyone is afraid to switch off.





Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

bottom of page