Donald Trump's defence team have presented sensational evidence at his hearing. Mr Trump visited the court toilet and the prosecution was challenged to go in there afterwards.
The prosecution lawyers conceded that, without hazmat suits, no-one was likely to approach the corridor, let alone go into the bathroom without giving at least half an hour.
Two enterprising brothers have embarked on a mission to create Father’s Day cards for Dads who don’t quite fit the Hallmark mould.
The journey began when Alfie (23) and Jacob (24) were purchasing Father's Day cards and noticed a disproportionate amount of options for the beer-drinking, golf-playing and D.I.Ying dads.
‘Everyone has a unique relationship with their father,’ Alfie tells us. ‘And for us, distilling that relationship down to alcohol and toolkits feels disingenuous.’
‘The cards on the market spoke to one or two kinds of fatherhood,’ Jacob explains. ‘They ranged from saccharine: “you’re the best Daddy in the world!” to insulting: “you’re a grumpy old shit and you smell of farts.” Neither of those felt right to give to our Dad; surely the truth is somewhere in the middle?’
Since then, the brothers have introduced their greeting card start up. Their bestsellers include: “You Are Cerebral And Secretive About Your Childhood”, “You Rarely Say I Love You But You Show It By Helping With My Student Loans", and "You Had A Complicated Relationship With Your Own Father And This Has Reflected Greatly On Your Parenting Style, But It’s Obvious That You’re Trying To Break the Cycle”.
‘While less pithy, we feel that these slogans really represent what it’s like to have a dad,’ Jacob says. The resourceful pair are planning to break into the Mothers’ Day market, aiming their products at mothers who don’t care for watercolour flowers and teddy bears holding balloons.
Rishi Sunak was sounding tough on refusing to give Boris Johnson all of the peerages he wanted, in much the same way that a nerd talks tough when the bullies aren’t around to flush his head down the toilet.
Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst sighed wearily ‘Rishi’s authority as Prime Minster is a firm as a supply teacher over-extending a damp single ply toilet roll. Nadine Dorries says she’s resigned but hasn’t yet – I bet the Chiltern Hundreds are devastated. Rishi calls her Nodame instead of Nadine. Not to her face obviously, he’s petrified of her, even though sinister forces mean he can’t understand what she’s saying.’
‘Don’t forget, Liz Truss’ honours list is next. That ought to be fun and totally sane. Arise, Sir Pork Markets.’
