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Sunak: 'Now Boris is gone, I’m a big brave boy'

Rishi Sunak was sounding tough on refusing to give Boris Johnson all of the peerages he wanted, in much the same way that a nerd talks tough when the bullies aren’t around to flush his head down the toilet.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst sighed wearily ‘Rishi’s authority as Prime Minster is a firm as a supply teacher over-extending a damp single ply toilet roll. Nadine Dorries says she’s resigned but hasn’t yet – I bet the Chiltern Hundreds are devastated. Rishi calls her Nodame instead of Nadine. Not to her face obviously, he’s petrified of her, even though sinister forces mean he can’t understand what she’s saying.’

‘Don’t forget, Liz Truss’ honours list is next. That ought to be fun and totally sane. Arise, Sir Pork Markets.’

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