For years, Britain’s software developers have had to exhaust themselves at weekends satisfying the wildest sexual demands of the crowds of groupies, harlots and sluts who just can’t get enough of their sweet bedroom jargon.
“Just when you thought you’d heard it all, along comes cloud computing and a whole new generation of acronyms” said Penny, a blonde stunner from London. “Nothing gets my juices flowing more than having Backend-As-A-Service mansplained to me, although the actual meaning was a bit disappointing, to be honest”.
However, the bedroom dominance of software developers may have come to an end. Make way, guys, for the Public Sector Procurement Specialists. These sex gods understand the Public Procurement Guidelines and can whip up a pre-qualification questionnaire faster than a nerd’s wilting erection.
“I was in the pub, just trying to catch the eye of a weedy guy explaining stack overflow to the assembled throng, when I caught a snippet of conversation about PPE”, said Jessica, a nymphomaniac from Leeds. “The bloke who was speaking was nothing special to look at, but when he started explaining the exemption criteria for direct award I felt a familiar stirring in my loins”.
The Johnson Government’s unlawful PPE procurements have thrust the hitherto humble procurement specialist into the limelight. Benedict Cumberbatch and Keanu Reeves are believed to be collaborating on a Netflix thriller about two procurement officers who take on evil corporations from their glamorous glass and steel high tech office at Huddersfield Council.
Jack White, lead singer and guitarist for The White Stripes, is one of many who have applied to join the Chartered Institute of Procurement and Supply. “I just can’t get laid", he told reporters. “I wish I’d never wasted my time learning guitar. With a CIPS qualification maybe I’ll stand a chance”.
First published 17 Oct 2022
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