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Boris and Carrie Round Robin letter 2021



Well, blimey, what a year!


For starters, we got Brexit done, as I promised. When I say Brexit was done, I done Brexit. Well, something I call Brexit got done. I didn’t really understand all the technical words in the agreement, but who reads this stuff? I certainly don’t, and anyway, I was knee-deep in awarding contracts for PPE and creating laws for everyone outside of government. Lord knows who would have taken those contracts if it wasn’t for friends and family, eh?


Matt was a real help, working late with his assistant. No idea what his wife thought, but that’s the problem with National crises – people have to stand up to the plate. Matt certainly did that and more. Unfortunately, the papers found out what the more was, but anyway…


We had the decorators in! I know you all expect me to be a dab hand at wallpapering, but I’ve been very busy handing out peerages to generous donors most of the year. Carrie, bless her, set her heart on some gold-coloured paper, and I popped off to B&Q to bag a few rolls. Unfortunately, it wasn’t gold-coloured; it was sheets of pure gold, judging by the price. How we laughed when a party donor paid for the paper and the work. Unfortunately, the papers found out about that and apparently, it’s illegal, but anyway…


We got caught handing out those peerages, which it appears isn’t kosher (but don’t tell anyone I use that phrase). It seems the papers found out, but anyway…


That nasty woman I put in charge of Parliamentary standards started to sniff around. Can’t stand her, and she thinks she knows what her job is. She might have been OK, but she tried to penalise a chum who did some paid work on the side, which in my book is kosher (don’t tell anyone I use that phrase), so I tried to see her off. Not literally, I just wanted to change the odd rule; you know the one, the one that says we have to act within the law. Anyway, my chum Owen decided to leave Parliament after a row even though I’d arranged to change the law to make his side hustles kosher (I probably shouldn’t use that phrase), so we had a bit of a by-election. No problems there – we had a furlough scheme or something back in the day. It seems voters forget stuff that happened back in the day. I can’t really blame them; I do that ALL the time.


Anyway, we were busy awarding contracts or something (you know I don’t like to waste my time reading stuff – I’ve kids to procreate), and the media just kept on going on about me working late running quizzes and stuff last Christmas. Anyway, when we looked up, we had one fewer MP. It’s not really a problem as it now looks like I’ve about 100 fewer MPs following a vote just before I wrote this letter. At least I can rely on those buddies I handed peerages to. Well, I must pop this in the post as I’ve just had an urgent message from Frostie. Probably an invite to Christmas drinks.


Toodles until next year


Bozzer and Carrie




First published 24 Dec 2021


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Cleaner becomes PM because she's the only gov't member not to have to resign over Xmas party




Following news that the civil servant leading the inquiry into the 10 Downing Street Christmas party has resigned because he also organised an illegal Christmas party, everyone in government - MPs, Lords and civil servants alike - has admitted that they also attended illegal Christmas parties last year, and has resigned. It appears that the only person employed by the government who did not organise or attend an illegal Christmas party in 2020 is Downing Street cleaner Grace Richards, 27, who will now become Prime Minister and form a new government.


The Labour Party was initially approached for this role, but its leader Keir Starmer said that he fully supported the government's action, and so his party would resign also. The Liberal Democrat HQ was on answerphone "following a big night for us", and the SNP said that they had no interest in taking responsibility for "that shambles south of Gretna Green".


Ms Williams said she "would need to have a bit of a think" before announcing her Cabinet and programme for office, but suggested that "taking money out of billionaires' offshore bank accounts and putting it into the NHS, higher wages for key workers, and a lot more buses on the 29 route to Westminster" would be among her key policies.



First published 20 Dec 2021


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Software development no longer ‘Britain’s Sexiest Profession’




For years, Britain’s software developers have had to exhaust themselves at weekends satisfying the wildest sexual demands of the crowds of groupies, harlots and sluts who just can’t get enough of their sweet bedroom jargon.


“Just when you thought you’d heard it all, along comes cloud computing and a whole new generation of acronyms” said Penny, a blonde stunner from London. “Nothing gets my juices flowing more than having Backend-As-A-Service mansplained to me, although the actual meaning was a bit disappointing, to be honest”.


However, the bedroom dominance of software developers may have come to an end. Make way, guys, for the Public Sector Procurement Specialists. These sex gods understand the Public Procurement Guidelines and can whip up a pre-qualification questionnaire faster than a nerd’s wilting erection.


“I was in the pub, just trying to catch the eye of a weedy guy explaining stack overflow to the assembled throng, when I caught a snippet of conversation about PPE”, said Jessica, a nymphomaniac from Leeds. “The bloke who was speaking was nothing special to look at, but when he started explaining the exemption criteria for direct award I felt a familiar stirring in my loins”.


The Johnson Government’s unlawful PPE procurements have thrust the hitherto humble procurement specialist into the limelight. Benedict Cumberbatch and Keanu Reeves are believed to be collaborating on a Netflix thriller about two procurement officers who take on evil corporations from their glamorous glass and steel high tech office at Huddersfield Council.


Jack White, lead singer and guitarist for The White Stripes, is one of many who have applied to join the Chartered Institute of Procurement and Supply. “I just can’t get laid", he told reporters. “I wish I’d never wasted my time learning guitar. With a CIPS qualification maybe I’ll stand a chance”.





First published 17 Oct 2022


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