Victim of multiple romance scams speaks out

‘The first one was in the 80s’, B told us. ‘She really convinced me she had my best interests at heart and if I just sold some assets I’d be better off. I really regret that now. I’d love to go for a wild swim like I used to, but the turds put me off.

‘The next really bad one was much later. Persuaded me to leave a long-term relationship. Apparently the other party was bad for me. I can see them now, but only for short spells and I can’t live with them like I used to. I really miss the food.

‘More recently the same guy’s been coming round telling me to self harm. At least he seems to have money these days, though I don’t know where it comes from – he’s never at work. He wants me to sign away my rights, which seems wrong, doesn’t it? Also – and he doesn’t seem to understand this – my ancestry is fairly mixed and he’s always singing Hitler Youth songs when he thinks we can’t hear. But on the plus side, he’s promised to stop the boats’.

Image: LunarSeaArt - Pixabay

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Royal Mail to charge Graham Brady per letter delivered

In a pre-emptive move, Royal Mail has announced that it will be charging on a 'per letter' basis for delivery of post to the address of Graham Brady, chair of the Conservative 1922 Committee for the next few days.

'We have suffered some tough economic conditions over recent months,' said a spokesperson for the Royal Mail, 'and this is just too good an opportunity to miss. We are expecting a big rise in post to Mr Brady over the next couple of days, and we could turn the fortunes our company round by moving to a simple piece rate charging system.

'We need to cover our costs too,' continued the spokesperson. 'We lost 2 posties to chronic back pain back in April, after having to deliver sack loads of no confidence letters to the PM to Sir Graham.

'This time round, we're investing a couple of big ship container crates to hold all the likely letters, and we'll schedule for twice-daily deliveries to try and keep on top of things.' continued the source.

In a goodwill gesture, the Royal Mail has offered a 50% discount to the PM himself for forwarding of his mail from Number 10 to to any new address he might happen to move to over the coming months.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/no-longer-here-19203/

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First published 7 Jul 2022

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Boris Johnson offers to oversee UK's response to hantavirus

By special NewsBiscuit correspondent dante

Britain's former Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced that he stands ready to return to the country's helm, to help it navigate a future hantavirus pandemic. Speaking from New York, where he was delivering a conference on 10 Downing Street's selection of lavatory paper to a group of executives who paid $10,000 a ticket, the former mayor of London reassured his countrymen that 'if this virus takes off, I am ready to serve once more.'

Johnson's handling of the previous Covid-19 pandemic, while criticised in a recent report, has been described by the Daily Mail as 'exceptional' and by the BBC as 'world-beating'. His actions are believed by his supporters to have saved 'lives beyond count'.

'When the going gets tough, we need BoJo to get going,' said former Conservative minister Nadine Dorries in Southampton, upon her return from a cruise in the Canary Islands.

Baroness Dido Harding also announced her availability to serve in Johnson's national unity government, volunteering to launch a new Test & Trace application at only half the cost of the previous iteration. 'We have come a long way,' she said in a statement, 'and we have learnt from past mistakes, not that any were made.'

Separate reports indicated that Baroness Michelle Mone's new company, Med Resilience Ltd., stands ready to 'meet the nation's PPE needs again'.

Authgor: Dante

Image credit: perchance.org