Fish finger pie voted most popular post-Brexit recipe

In a change from enticing viewers to attempt cooking exotic recipes from abroad, the BBC asked viewers to name the ingredients they can actually buy these days and challenged celebrity chefs to devise recipes for exciting meals which could be made from them.

Of the 3,000 suggestions received by the BBC, 2,000 suggested fish fingers.

Jamie Oliver came up with deep fried fish finger and jam sandwiches, Risk Stein chose to make his own fish fingers from turbot and razor clams, and Gordon Ramsey had a simple fish finger curry dish. Nigella Lawson’s fishy fingers pie, however, came out on top. Nigella massaged each fish finger between her breasts before slapping donkey cheese pule mash on top, and slipping it in somewhere hot.

Critics of the programme have said how out of touch the BBC is, since few people can afford pule. But the BBC responded by pointing out that viewers should consider themselves lucky they didn’t invite Heston to contribute.

The Atlantic Declaration: key points to hit your snooze button

Rishi Sunak and Joe Biden have agreed a historic declaration last week. It's called the Atlantic Declaration. There is no truth in the rumour that it is named this way because it's wet or because it rhymes with frantic.

Here are the main points:

• Joe Biden to be referred to as Mr President, and Rishi Sunak to be referred to as Mr President (keeps things simple).

• America can extradite people from the UK wherever and whenever. The UK is entitled to ask for reciprocity.

• Chlorinated chicken and deep fried Mars bars can be served at summits

• Britain is welcome to keep trying to make American versions of its sitcoms work

• UK to transition to driving on the right over the next twenty years, to assist the struggling US car industry

• US-UK co-operation on nuclear power gives the UK the important job of looking after the waste

• Liz Truss can never set foot on American soil

The Declaration is valid in perpetuity, or until the next presidential election, whichever comes first.

Summer solstice delayed until November because of staff shortages

Druids, hippies and other essential workers have reacted with dismay after the government postponed summer solstice until November.

A government spokesman explained, 'Summer is a really difficult time for such a major festival; many staff are away for their summer breaks. It greatly simplifies traffic management to move the date until a much quieter time of year. In addition, I thought that druids would welcome not having to get up at 3 O'clock in the morning.

Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg, who was recently knighted for disservice to the Realm, criticised the delay. 'I've always abhorred civil servants having any kind of holiday,' said Rees-Mogg's absent shadow. 'But if they do insist on it, why don't they simply buy a holiday home or two in the southern hemisphere so they've got somewhere warm to pop off to?'