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CBI all mouth and no trousers


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The lobbyist insisted that molestation was a vital tool in getting people's attention. Said the Confederation of British Industry: 'Our trouserless negotiations really focus the mind. I mean, would you to stay haggling if you knew everyone around the table was naked from the waist down?'


Despite criminal proceedings, the CBI remained committed to groping their way to profit. 'We project the economy will grow as much as 12 inches, provided we take our blue pill.'


That said, more and more firms are disassociating themselves from the CBI's rape culture - all except the BBC's light entertainment branch and the Vatican. 'We will always put business interests first. And it just so happens our business is chasing women.' Asked if they were worried about the investigation, they replied. 'Shhhh. Mind your own business.'



Tucker Carlson announces engagement to 92-year-old tycoon


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A former Fox News host has proudly shown off an Asscher-cut diamond solitaire ring to reporters after a billionaire media tycoon ‘popped the question’ on the steps of Capitol Hill. The blushing host told reporters:


‘My beau is very traditional. He insists I give up my day job.’


Tucker’s intended has been married thirty-seven times before, mostly to troublesome employees who he relocates to Australia before dumping them. Tucker, who was previously married to Donald Trump, becomes step-mother to forty seven children.



Suella Braverman does Desert Island Discs


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Songs:


Hey! We’re Going to Rwanda

The Laughing Policemen

The Very White Cliffs of Dover

Love is Not in the Air

Get Back to Where You Once Belonged

Rickety Bridge over Troubled Water

Gimme Shelter

Heartbreak Hostel


Book:


Three Men, Six Women, Five Kids & One Chicken in a Boat.


Luxury Item:


A handmade Kilim rug from Afghanistan confiscated in Dover.


The One Chosen Song to Take to the Island:


Well it has to be 'Hey! We're Going to Rwanda'.


It's so positive and upbeat and I could imagine myself dancing naked on the beach to it if I ever I felt a bit down.


Oh, and forget the Bible, thanks...



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