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By our Summer Fashion Trends Reporter, Des Perrott



Following the identification of “Mar-a-Lago face” amongst wealthier MAGA supporters, it is now believed that many Reform UK supporters are copying their own leader’s unique look.


It has been nicknamed “Clacton Face”, or more simply “The Clac”, after the seaside town where Farage spent some time last year. The “Clac” consists of a grey and receding hairline and a perma-tan face with distinctive tree-ring pattern of wrinkles created by years of alternately gurning then switching on a serious political expression, often in a cloud of smoke.


However, supporters have been known to go to great lengths in this display of loyalty, despite many not having much money and it looking particularly odd on his female supporters. Inevitably, as our research department’s analysis shows, there have been unfortunate results.


We spoke to Bert Smith, a retired turf accountant in Basildon. According to Bert, “I managed to dye and shrink my Beatles wig to get the hairline and got a block booking at the tanning salon but the wrinkles were the problem. I can’t afford plastic surgery - I bet it would be on the NHS if we hadn’t let so many migrants in - so I had to ask a bloke down the Tattoo Parlour to see what he could do for twenty quid.


“He tried his best in half an hour but now my mates say my face is frozen like a pink-cheeked rabbit in the headlights. Honestly, it’s a scandal. People will think I support Starmer.”



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All blank spaces in Britain - such as the space between the ears of most Farage voters - must now be filled with British flags.


Once Future Fuhrer Farage is Prime Minister of the New Reich, everyone must have a Union Jack or St George's cross ('same fing innit') hanging from every single window of their house. Otherwise you will be flagged as left-wing scum and your house burned down with you inside it. Your death screams will be drowned out by your neighbours singing the National Anthem


Farage claimed that Keir Starmer hates Britain so much that he doesn't have the new legal minimum of Winston Churchill tattoos - two - one of the ex-PM and one of the dog from the adverts - both smoking cigars.


When asked how this would improve people's lives, Farage ordered another bonfire lit, proclaiming 'Another pinko for the fire, boys.'




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The BBC has found another two highly under qualified men to present yet another jokey blokey travel show.


Foreign Secretary David Lammy and US Vice President JD Vance will, however, avoid more fishing trips unless they are fishing for drowned refugees in the Channel.


A BBC intern reflexively began apologising 'The BBC are very sorry that - what is it this time - oh, that Nigel Farage is not a semi-permanent guest on this show. Would a third buffoon tip things into top gear?'


'Anyway, look on the bright side. If Lammy and Vance are antiquing in Leicestershire, kite surfing in Dorset or picking up conversational Mandarin at a forced labour camp in Xinjiang, at least we're keeping them away from their day jobs and thus keeping the world a little safer.'


Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash

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