Police forces across the UK are on high alert after a shipment of WWLND wristbands, intended for the USA, was blown off course and dumped Blackpool.
‘Americans are better suited to Liam Neeson’s way of life,' a police spokesman told us. ‘They’re already armed, and they kill one another anyway. A typical Liam Neeson plot is just a normal schoolday over there. The British male spends his time mowing the lawn, drinking tea and tutting. He just isn’t ready.'
Sandra (37) bought one of the wristbands for her husband, Trevor. ‘He really likes that film, the one where his daughter looks about 30, but she’s a virgin and she gets abducted, but stays a virgin because she looks about 30. Liam Neeson tells the bad guy that he has 'a particular set of skills which make him a nightmare for people like you'. That’s what Trevor said to the postman before punching him in the throat. He’s never done anything like that before.'
A librarian in Carlisle summarily executed a teen doing wheelies on his electric bike, an accountant in Stroud garrotted a litterbug, and a project manager in Walsall was last seen stuffing Gantt charts into the mouth of his recently deceased sales director before escaping in a stolen Toyota Prius. Police say they’re concerned that somebody they give a shit about might get hurt if the Neesonesque violence continues.
In an alarming twist, Keir Starmer has been spotted wearing one of the wristbands. He was heading towards Downing Street, muttering something about ‘Andy bloody Burnham’ and improvising a weapon from a sharpened calculator.
Image credit: ChatGPT
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