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One of the worst-kept entertainment secrets has now been revealed. Netflix have commissioned a brand new series of the legendary 1970s sitcom. It is also confirmed that Emma Thompson has been appointed as Executive Director / Producer. At a media briefing she gushed:-



“On The Buses, (or OTB as us thesps call it!) was the drama series that inspired me to become an actress, and has formed the backdrop to my life, relationships and work ever since.



I have already approached my dear friend Salmy – Salman Rushdie of course – to write the scripts. He was a bit concerned that he has not written comic material before but I assured him that that never bothered the original writers.



My dear dear friend Stephen Fry has absolutely insisted that he has the part of the driver Stan Butler. He will of course bring the acumen and gravitas to the role that Reg Varney sometimes struggled to deliver. And as soon as the rumours circulated that this classic was in the pipeline, my phone didn’t stop ringing! I answered an early call and a voice screamed down the phone ‘I hate you Butler!’ I recognised it immediately - it was of course my dear dear dear friend Hugh Grant!! He was born to play the part of Blakey!!!”



Miss Thompson continued “we will of course ensure that the plots are brought bang up to date and reflect the 21st century. We now see Olive as a sexy, attractive, politically-savvy, intelligent, independent, compassionate and caring character. We haven’t cast the role yet but watch this space!” At this point reporters noted Miss Thompson simpering coyly.



Miss Thompson concluded “Netflix are already aware that cinema spin-offs of the series were amongst the top-grossing films of the 1970s. They have asked me to sketch out a full-length feature – working title ‘Transgender Strategies and Seating Arrangements On The Buses’”.



First published 19 Feb 2023


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With the obviously flawed evaluation of 'Melania' on the website dedicated to providing obviously flawed evaluations of brilliant films, the Trump administration has taken steps to close down Rotten Tomatoes, claiming it is run by 'domestic terrorists'.


'Some of the so-called reviewers are obviously communists,' said a spokesman for the President.  'The rest are just FAKE,' he added, refusing to clarify if they are fake reviewers, or just fake something else.  Fake communists, maybe?


The part of the internet that Rotten Tomatoes sits in has been raided by ICE agents and all the ones and noughts making it operate have been deported.  


'The President added up the ones and noughts we arrested, using his amazing math skills, and totalled 83.  Apparently there were more noughts than ones,' explained an aide.  'He has calculated that Truth Social adds up to eleventeen million with no noughts,' he added.  'And Truth Social gave Melania twelve stars out of ten'.



Image credit: deep dream generator, edited in Wix


The streets of Minneapolis were eerily quiet as ICE agents knocked off early from herding immigrants onto cattle trucks and executing citizens to go and watch the film 'Melania'.


'I read reviews of it in Rolling Stein magazine,' raved one ICE commandant, wearing a regulation brown shirt, jackboots and face scarf. 'They said it's the best propaganda film since Triumph of The Will.'


'Melania Knauss is America's Eva Braun!' gushed an ICE stormtrooper, equipped with a Mauser and coalscuttle helmet. 'She is a goddess! No mere mortal could wear that much mascara without going blind.'


Also packing out cinemas to see the pisspoor, tedious Melania documentary were students on a rag week.


'It's like the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but with a lead actress who can't act or sing, and has zero sense of humour, so it's hilarious!' sniggered one student.


'We throw rice at the screen and cry 'ah!' when Trump tries to kiss Melania at his inauguration, but gets blocked by her broad brimmed hat.'


In cities across the US, ICE agents have been deployed to force residents into cinemas at gunpoint to watch Melania.


'There's a high risk people will of boredom in there, but we don't care,' said an ICE ubergruppenfuhrer, who was barging an old lady towards the box office with an electric cattle prod.


'We must please the Fuhrer - I mean the President - by making sure that 'Melania' breaks all records in its first weekend, even if it deserves to be a miserable flop.'


'Heil Trump! Heil Knauss!' chanted the phalanx of Sturmabteilung behind him. 'Glory to the hit movie 'Melanoma'!'



Image credit: perchance.org

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