Film | NewsBiscuit

NewsBiscuit Film Club: October

Oct 7

Welcome to our new film club!

We’ve compiled the October programme from your suggestions. We are sure you will enjoy these classic movies. We don't have popcorn, but we do have an excellent selection of biscuits.

This month the film club is showing:

Ocean's Elevenses

Broke Biscuit Mountain

Bite Hard

Shirley Florentine

Honey, I Dunked the Kids!

Educating Ryvita

A Fistful of Crumbs

Dime Bars Are Forever

The Three Biscuitiers

Get Shortbread!

Thanks to daveha, deskpilot, granger, katipo, lockjaw, and sirlupus for their suggestions

If you have a favourite film that you’d like us to include next month, then please drop us a line via the Writers Room.

Image credit: ChatGPT

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‘What Would Liam Neeson Do?’ wristbands causing havoc

Sully

Aug 18

Police forces across the UK are on high alert after a shipment of WWLND wristbands, intended for the USA, was blown off course and dumped Blackpool.

‘Americans are better suited to Liam Neeson’s way of life,' a police spokesman told us. ‘They’re already armed, and they kill one another anyway. A typical Liam Neeson plot is just a normal schoolday over there. The British male spends his time mowing the lawn, drinking tea and tutting. He just isn’t ready.'

Sandra (37) bought one of the wristbands for her husband, Trevor. ‘He really likes that film, the one where his daughter looks about 30, but she’s a virgin and she gets abducted, but stays a virgin because she looks about 30. Liam Neeson tells the bad guy that he has 'a particular set of skills which make him a nightmare for people like you'. That’s what Trevor said to the postman before punching him in the throat. He’s never done anything like that before.'

A librarian in Carlisle summarily executed a teen doing wheelies on his electric bike, an accountant in Stroud garrotted a litterbug, and a project manager in Walsall was last seen stuffing Gantt charts into the mouth of his recently deceased sales director before escaping in a stolen Toyota Prius. Police say they’re concerned that somebody they give a shit about might get hurt if the Neesonesque violence continues.

In an alarming twist, Keir Starmer has been spotted wearing one of the wristbands. He was heading towards Downing Street, muttering something about ‘Andy bloody Burnham’ and improvising a weapon from a sharpened calculator.

Image credit: ChatGPT

Parents furious as kids' summer blockbuster has no adult jokes

dominic_mcg

Jul 19

For decades, parents have put up with watching 2nd rate cartoons as there has always been a few smutty jokes just for them. However, the latest summer blockbuster "Under the shed" has been a winner with the kids but has enraged parents and grandparents alike.

"It's just a cartoon about some woodlice living under a shed," one angry parent told us. "We spent almost £50 on tickets and £30 on snacks at our local cinema and there's not a single blue joke, insinuation or double entendre anywhere. I mean, who would make a film about bugs who eat wood without a single "he's got wood" joke? I'm beyond disappointed."

Cinema manager, Gary Edwards, told our reporter, "We've never had so many people ask for their money back. These parents have my sympathy. I was expecting some "behind the bike-sheds" innuendo or even a "beautiful tits" gag when the woodlice discover a birds' nest but there's nothing."

Grandfather of 25 (not his age), Steve Jackson, was furious. "I've been watching this kind of crap for years with my kids and now grandkids. I've only managed to sit through them because of the borderline filth and there was nothing. Not even a camp grasshopper with a dirty laugh or a slutty slug, doing snail trail jokes. it's an absolute disgrace."

Girls Friends Movie - Free photo on Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 19 Jul 2022

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