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In a move set to outrage traditionalists, Kate Winslet is set to make an entire film without taking her shirt off.
”Yeah, I knew there’d be a fuss about this,” she told reporters at a press conference. “But it’s not gratuitous, the story demanded it. I am playing Mother Teresa, for God’s sake, there's just no way to work in a nude scene. And believe me, I pestered the director and screenwriter about it every day - I mean, she must have taken a shower occasionally, right? But they said no.
“But some of the comments I’ve read, suggesting I’ve finally realised it’s time to stop going topless in every film, are way off base. Just wait ‘til you see what I’ve just finished shooting: ‘Ann Widdecombe - The Early Years.’
“And before you all complain that Ann Widdecombe was never a Page 3 model - surely the film makes it clear that it’s a dream sequence?”
She then cut the press conference short, as she was booked to do a voiceover and needed time to get undressed first.
image from pixabay
Sunak was a Dick. A Private Dick – and also a Public Dick. The film noir rain lashed his office window in moody black and white. He looked at a picture of his wife and thought 'There's a dame whose share portfolio benefits from government policy'.
The red string and drawing pins all led to one place - but where? He looked at his glass of Diet Coke – his seventh of the day – and hurled it at the wall in frustration.
'Pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony and sloth. But you need all of those to be a Tory MP' he thought to himself. 'Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy and Dopey are already in the Cabinet. Seven Samurai? Seven days of the week? Seven weeks of Liz Truss as PM?'
'My god… it can't be. It's the bins! I must save the people before they have to buy insulation.'
Sunak has pledged that if he finds Gwyneth Paltrow's severed head in a box, he won't shoot Kevin Spacey, but instead he will put it in the brown organic bin that goes out on alternate Wednesdays, as long as the moon is in Aquarius. Otherwise he'd have to pay a meat tax. And without the rest of her body, Paltrow might not count as a compulsory car sharing companion.
'Why are my hands so heavy?' he wailed.
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