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OAP categories added to Oscars

In recognition of the fact that old people's taste in film may differ from younger filmgoers, the Academy has decided to introduce several Oscars to be voted for exclusively by their OAP members.

The special awards, sponsored jointly by Saga Holidays and Tena incontinence pads, have already attracted a great deal of interest. Speculation is rife that the Best OAP Film will go to "You know, it's got that actor you like in it", with "The one with that woman who was in that other thing" coming a close second.

"He was in that film with that woman" is making a strong showing for Best OAP Actor, with Best OAP Actress likely to go to "Sorry, were you talking to me?" Suggestions to combine the two with a gender-neutral category were sent away with a flea in their ear, and mutterings about "That's not how we won the war..."

It's thought that winning actors and directors will honour the category not only by not preparing acceptance speeches, but by going on stage and forgetting what they went there for.

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