Rotten Tomatoes proscribed as a terrorist website

With the obviously flawed evaluation of 'Melania' on the website dedicated to providing obviously flawed evaluations of brilliant films, the Trump administration has taken steps to close down Rotten Tomatoes, claiming it is run by 'domestic terrorists'.

'Some of the so-called reviewers are obviously communists,' said a spokesman for the President.  'The rest are just FAKE,' he added, refusing to clarify if they are fake reviewers, or just fake something else.  Fake communists, maybe?

The part of the internet that Rotten Tomatoes sits in has been raided by ICE agents and all the ones and noughts making it operate have been deported.  

'The President added up the ones and noughts we arrested, using his amazing math skills, and totalled 83.  Apparently there were more noughts than ones,' explained an aide.  'He has calculated that Truth Social adds up to eleventeen million with no noughts,' he added.  'And Truth Social gave Melania twelve stars out of ten'.

Image credit: deep dream generator, edited in Wix

Starstruck ICE stormtroopers flock to watch 'Melania'

The streets of Minneapolis were eerily quiet as ICE agents knocked off early from herding immigrants onto cattle trucks and executing citizens to go and watch the film 'Melania'.

'I read reviews of it in Rolling Stein magazine,' raved one ICE commandant, wearing a regulation brown shirt, jackboots and face scarf. 'They said it's the best propaganda film since Triumph of The Will.'

'Melania Knauss is America's Eva Braun!' gushed an ICE stormtrooper, equipped with a Mauser and coalscuttle helmet. 'She is a goddess! No mere mortal could wear that much mascara without going blind.'

Also packing out cinemas to see the pisspoor, tedious Melania documentary were students on a rag week.

'It's like the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but with a lead actress who can't act or sing, and has zero sense of humour, so it's hilarious!' sniggered one student.

'We throw rice at the screen and cry 'ah!' when Trump tries to kiss Melania at his inauguration, but gets blocked by her broad brimmed hat.'

In cities across the US, ICE agents have been deployed to force residents into cinemas at gunpoint to watch Melania.

'There's a high risk people will of boredom in there, but we don't care,' said an ICE ubergruppenfuhrer, who was barging an old lady towards the box office with an electric cattle prod.

'We must please the Fuhrer - I mean the President - by making sure that 'Melania' breaks all records in its first weekend, even if it deserves to be a miserable flop.'

'Heil Trump! Heil Knauss!' chanted the phalanx of Sturmabteilung behind him. 'Glory to the hit movie 'Melanoma'!'

Image credit: perchance.org

Netflix to abandon movie titles

Streaming behemoth Netflix is to stop giving its in house movies conventional titles.

‘We don’t need to,’ said an executive, ‘because we sell all of our movies on star power. In future, our movies will have descriptive titles like ‘Action Thriller with Sean Bean and Dame Kiri Te Kanawa’ or ‘Weepy Sob Story with Pierce Brosnan and Queen Latifah.’

‘Our subscribers know that our movie offerings are driven solely by the movie stars. We don’t care about the script, the plot, the cinematography or anything else. It’s the stars that sell the movies.  We can take any dumbass script, sign up some movie stars by waving a big cheque, and it's job done!  No offence to Thursday Murder Club, obviously.

‘Now we won’t have to think up movie titles, and we won’t need focus groups to fuss over them.

‘There is an exception to this new rule. We plan to retain conventional titles for franchise movies. We will swoop in on any half-decent franchise if the Hollywood studios show any sign of weakness. If anyone is going to do Fast and Furious 77 or Rocky 101, then it will be us. In those cases, we can dispense with the stars because the title will sell the movie.

‘Critics say that, once the stars have faded from everyone’s memory, we will end up with a back catalogue of unwatchable movies.  But we don’t care about that.  We can always rent them out to the cheapo streaming channels like U&Cry or U&MacGregor.  In the here and now, we need to sell more and more and more subscriptions until we’ve taken over the whole world, and crushed Apple TV into the dirt.’

Image: Tumisu - Pixabay

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