Michael Fish appointed to produce Office for Budget Responsibility forecast

The government has appointed legendary weatherman Michael Fish to complete the forthcoming Office for Budget Responsibility financial forecast, it has been announced.

‘Michael is of course well-known for his highly credible forecasting abilities,’ said Patent Pending, a special advisor within the Cabinet Office. ‘Over decades, he forged a reputation for calming nerves and providing common-sense reassurance when people overreact or panic.

‘Fish is precisely the voice of sanity we all need to hear to demonstrate that actually there is no crisis, and that the country isn’t being run by a bunch of total buffoons,' continued Pending.

‘He has said he will produce his report on 13th October’,' said Pending. ‘Coincidentally, this will be 35 years to the day since he reported on an imminent weather incident that I think saw some moderate winds hit the UK, and maybe a few trees fell down.’

However, the government may be disappointed with the outcome. A leak of the executive summary of the OBR report is said to reveal Fish saying: ‘Apparently, everyone in the country has rung the BBC to say that the Tory government is a total shitshow. Well if you’re watching…I can confirm that it’s absolutely true’.

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Scientists dispute Gogo fish find predates Jacob Rees-Mogg

Australian geologists who have discovered fossilised soft tissue remains of the Gogo fish, believed to be 380 million years old, are disputing whether it predates the critical Darwinian development of all humans, or just the sub species that doesn't include Jacob Rees-Mogg. 'The Gogo fish clearly had a heart,' stated the scientists in a terse statement today

image from pixabay

Fukushima fish deal a boost for HAZMAT kitchenwear industry

Photo: HAZMAT kitchenwear modelled by Janine and her friend also called Janine

Boris Johnson's relaxation of the ban on fish and vegetables from Fukushima has been welcomed by a major manufacturer of radiation protection equipment, saying it was worth every penny the company donated to the Tory party.

In addition, the relaxation is timely as it coincides with a range of unisex high-fashion HAZMAT garments and lead kitchen aprons designed by Emma Bridgewater due to be launched at London Fashion Week in June.

British cooker manufacturers are also excited by the prospect, hoping it will boost sales and thereby bring down the cost of their range of biohazard cooking products, previous sales of which have only been affordable by oligarchs who dine on genuine Russian food supplied by Putin Enterprises Inc.

The cookers, reminiscent of chemical fume cupboards, offer the benefit of preventing cooking smells from permeating the home. Olga Smirnoff, an oligarch's wife told us that her biohazard cooker has been brilliant, even when her husband fancies a curry. 'I've asked if it can be adapted to accommodate a bed for him to sleep in on the days he has one,' she confirmed.

NewsBiscuit invited two chefs to try Fukushima fish and both agreed it was 'rank', but still preferable to what they are forced to cook with when providing meals for the schools and hospitals they work for.

Ready Brek is preparing a legal contest on the sale of Fukushima fish, in the event it actually makes children glow and contravenes the intellectual property inherent in its advertising.