Government housing programme will build houses using Lego Smart Bricks

Houses are to become more Christmas-friendly, since the invention of Lego Smart Bricks. These bricks are electronically-controlled and could bring an end to the idiocy of climbing ladders to decorate the exterior of homes during the festive season.

The bricks contain colour-changing lights and loudspeakers, promising the ultimate neighbour irritation experience; and can be controlled by a smartphone app.

Dick Scratcher, a Christmas-loving pensioner who fell from the 15th floor of the Sunlight Uplands Retirement Home in Essex, whilst putting up Christmas lights outside his flat, says the news got his new year off to a great start; and ain’t it amazing what they can do these days.

In other news, however, Newsbiscuit has learned from a source close to a man occasionally known as Mr Yaxley-Lennon, that an alias of Yaxley-Lennon has commissioned a team of programmers to hack the system and design a flashing light sequence that strobes the Union flag along rows of houses, unless residents pay an annual unsubscription fee to have the union flag replaced by a pixelated ‘A paedo lives here’ sign.

Image: CCheminot - Pixabay

Council tells Aldi to take down all the flags

West Wassick District Council has written to its local Aldi store asking them to take down all the flags decorating the store.

A spokesman told us: ‘Many members of the community are distressed by the flags. They are well aware that Aldi was started by two German brothers and that it remains in German ownership. The extravagant displays of Union Flags in store are therefore inappropriate, unsettling and borderline sarcastic.

‘While Aldi may claim that it is ‘Backing British Farmers’ they may have omitted the words ‘Into A Corner’. We fear that their flag waving is more about extracting cash from customers than it is about patriotism.

'The Council has taken steps to paint over flags on mini-roundabouts and to take down flags on lamp posts. We are nothing if not fair, so we are telling Aldi that they need to take their flags down too – to waive the flags, if you like. 

'Don’t say we haven’t got a sense of humour.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

‘Shaun of the Dead’ sequel ‘Operation Raise the Colours’ hailed as a classic

Simon Pegg’s 2004 zombie spoof ‘Shaun of the Dead’ was an instant hit, but has been criticised for its treatment of zombies as one-dimensional characters with no autonomy, intellect or artistic sensibilities.

His sequel, Operation Raise the Colours, features an even more devastating mass infection event with a twist: the zombies hoist flags on lampposts to mark their territory.

‘We wanted to show zombies as real characters, you know, with hopes and dreams and ladders and flags’, Pegg allegedly told reporters. ‘These zombies can sort of speak – they can string a few words together, it’s gibberish, but it’s their gibberish. Obviously, they’re brain-dead, but they can still function a bit. And tie flags to lampposts.'

The zombie leaders are particularly abhorrent. The one they call ‘Nigel’ leaves a trail of ash and roubles everywhere he walks, and can make women vomit just by speaking to them. The rival zombie leader, ‘Tommy’, is a midget with a pronounced tic, as if he’s done too much coke. In the final climactic scene the two zombie leaders fight to the death, and are buried with full military honours, draped in flags – Nigel in a Russian flag, Tommy in a Union Jack handkerchief.

Image credit: perchance.org