Council tells Aldi to take down all the flags

West Wassick District Council has written to its local Aldi store asking them to take down all the flags decorating the store.

A spokesman told us: ‘Many members of the community are distressed by the flags. They are well aware that Aldi was started by two German brothers and that it remains in German ownership. The extravagant displays of Union Flags in store are therefore inappropriate, unsettling and borderline sarcastic.

‘While Aldi may claim that it is ‘Backing British Farmers’ they may have omitted the words ‘Into A Corner’. We fear that their flag waving is more about extracting cash from customers than it is about patriotism.

'The Council has taken steps to paint over flags on mini-roundabouts and to take down flags on lamp posts. We are nothing if not fair, so we are telling Aldi that they need to take their flags down too – to waive the flags, if you like. 

'Don’t say we haven’t got a sense of humour.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

‘Shaun of the Dead’ sequel ‘Operation Raise the Colours’ hailed as a classic

Simon Pegg’s 2004 zombie spoof ‘Shaun of the Dead’ was an instant hit, but has been criticised for its treatment of zombies as one-dimensional characters with no autonomy, intellect or artistic sensibilities.

His sequel, Operation Raise the Colours, features an even more devastating mass infection event with a twist: the zombies hoist flags on lampposts to mark their territory.

‘We wanted to show zombies as real characters, you know, with hopes and dreams and ladders and flags’, Pegg allegedly told reporters. ‘These zombies can sort of speak – they can string a few words together, it’s gibberish, but it’s their gibberish. Obviously, they’re brain-dead, but they can still function a bit. And tie flags to lampposts.'

The zombie leaders are particularly abhorrent. The one they call ‘Nigel’ leaves a trail of ash and roubles everywhere he walks, and can make women vomit just by speaking to them. The rival zombie leader, ‘Tommy’, is a midget with a pronounced tic, as if he’s done too much coke. In the final climactic scene the two zombie leaders fight to the death, and are buried with full military honours, draped in flags – Nigel in a Russian flag, Tommy in a Union Jack handkerchief.

Image credit: perchance.org

Reform Party to declare racists as an oppressed minority

The Reform Party is to take action to level the playing field for racists, addressing the perception that there is something wrong with them.

A spokesman, who clearly had something to get off his chest, gave us the following statement:

‘Racists are an oppressed minority, who should be protected from discrimination, ridicule and sneering. Other minorities are protected by law, and racists should be protected too.

‘We get shouted at in the street and when we go marching. Non-racists gang up on us, oppressing us with their massive counter-demonstrations. It’s cultural genocide. We should have freedom of association, but we are criticised for being pally with US racists. It’s perfectly normal to like someone’s posts, to buy their merch, to repeat their favourite slogans, and to amplify their rhetoric. Where’s the harm in that?

‘Racism is just normal behaviour. We all have prejudices. We have unconscious prejudices that we can’t do anything about. We all discriminate – I like him, I like her, but I don’t like them/they, for example. And we all feel antagonism – waiting for Virgin Media to pick up the phone, call centre operators that you can’t understand, the person who takes the last steak bake just before you get to the counter. And it’s not racist to paint red crosses on mini-roundabouts. We love the Red Cross. And their flag. And the England flag. And flags up lamp posts. All very normal. You shouldn’t get picked on for being normal. Being normal should be a protected characteristic.

‘So we are organising a Racist Pride march. The logo is different coloured fists, to represent all the many different flavours of racism. Nigel says he can’t come as he might attract the wrong kind of people, but he’s asked local Reform people to help out. We sent our application to march to the Charing Cross police station, and they said, yes, fine, no problem, we’ll sort out Sadiq Khan. Finally, we’re getting some respect.’

Hat tip to deskpilot

Image credit: perchance.org