Those Reform policies in full

With Reform gaining so many seats in the local council elections, we present a guide to the Reform policies that we can all expect to benefit from in the coming months and years.

1. The capital of England to be moved to Thurrock, where the Wetherspoons will become the new Houses of Parliament

2. White vans to be exempted from road tax, and homes from council tax if they fly the Cross of St George

3. ID cards to be scrapped and replaced with signet rings containing biometric information, with supplementary information recorded in neck tattoos if necessary

4. All restaurants serving poncy foreign muck to be shut down, to replaced by places serving proper English food like McDonald's, curry and pizza (and maybe the occasional chinky)

5. All other breeds of dog to be phased out in favour of pit bulls and XL bullies

6. The new national anthem “Arise, glorious gammon” to be played last thing every night on the BBBC (Beautiful British Broadcasting Corporation)

7. Al Murray to admit he really is the Pub Landlord, and it’s not just a satirical character

8. Broadmoor to be closed and the most dangerous psychopaths given jobs with the UK Border Force

9. History lessons to only include wars we won (and the 1966 World Cup)

10. The school-leaving age to be lowered to 12, and made compulsory

11. Walking without knuckles touching the ground to be made illegal

12. Compulsory repatriation of all effnics, except for one or two we’ll give prominent jobs in the party so they can’t say we’re racist. Actually, make that just one.

In unrelated news, the UN Council on Refugees has announced new guidelines for Brits seeking asylum who have a well-founded fear that if they go home, they may die of embarrassment.

Hat tip to deskpilot

Image credit: from the NB archive

Government housing programme will build houses using Lego Smart Bricks

Houses are to become more Christmas-friendly, since the invention of Lego Smart Bricks. These bricks are electronically-controlled and could bring an end to the idiocy of climbing ladders to decorate the exterior of homes during the festive season.

The bricks contain colour-changing lights and loudspeakers, promising the ultimate neighbour irritation experience; and can be controlled by a smartphone app.

Dick Scratcher, a Christmas-loving pensioner who fell from the 15th floor of the Sunlight Uplands Retirement Home in Essex, whilst putting up Christmas lights outside his flat, says the news got his new year off to a great start; and ain’t it amazing what they can do these days.

In other news, however, Newsbiscuit has learned from a source close to a man occasionally known as Mr Yaxley-Lennon, that an alias of Yaxley-Lennon has commissioned a team of programmers to hack the system and design a flashing light sequence that strobes the Union flag along rows of houses, unless residents pay an annual unsubscription fee to have the union flag replaced by a pixelated ‘A paedo lives here’ sign.

Image: CCheminot - Pixabay

Council tells Aldi to take down all the flags

West Wassick District Council has written to its local Aldi store asking them to take down all the flags decorating the store.

A spokesman told us: ‘Many members of the community are distressed by the flags. They are well aware that Aldi was started by two German brothers and that it remains in German ownership. The extravagant displays of Union Flags in store are therefore inappropriate, unsettling and borderline sarcastic.

‘While Aldi may claim that it is ‘Backing British Farmers’ they may have omitted the words ‘Into A Corner’. We fear that their flag waving is more about extracting cash from customers than it is about patriotism.

'The Council has taken steps to paint over flags on mini-roundabouts and to take down flags on lamp posts. We are nothing if not fair, so we are telling Aldi that they need to take their flags down too – to waive the flags, if you like. 

'Don’t say we haven’t got a sense of humour.'

Picture credit: Wix AI