The fat b*stards guide to gaining weight while on a diet

Have you been told you need to lose some weight, but dread the misery of dieting? With this handy guide you can follow a diet, and still gain weight at the same time:

Buy low calorie snacks, then eat twice as many. Reduced calorie snacks are an easy way to treat yourself when you’re dieting. Unfortunately, they’re not as filling as the non-diet versions, but they only contain half the calories so it’s okay to eat twice as many.

Ignore stuff about portion sizes on food packaging. Instructions about how many portions are contained in a pack are completely unrealistic, and were obviously written by an anorexic. There's nothing wrong with eating a whole party sized Sara Lee chocolate gateau by yourself in one sitting.

Don’t count liquids as part of your diet plan. It stands to reason that drinks can’t contain calories, as they’re basically just water with a few added ingredients. So it’s okay to drink loads of alcohol, sugary fizzy drinks, full-fat milkshakes, and have 6 sugars in cups of tea and coffee.

Reward yourself for sticking to your diet. When you’ve been good and stuck to your diet all day, give yourself a reward. Eat a whole box of Mars ice creams and a family sized bag of Wotsits while you watch TV in the evening - you deserve a treat for sticking to your diet so faithfully.

Drive to the gym. If you’re trying to lose weight, you need to join a gym. Drive to the gym even though it’s only a 5-minute walk from your house, then get changed into your plus-sized exercise wear that you’ve never actually sweated in. Sit at the juice bar, and have a smoothie that probably contains more calories than a bucket of fried chicken. Then drive home again, knowing you’ve fulfilled your exercise quota for the day just by being at the gym for 20 minutes.

If you follow the above plan and find you’ve gained two stones in weight, just blame your scales, which obviously must be faulty.

Photo by Robin Stickel on Unsplash

Cat prefers the taste of his own a*sehole to the food his owner gives him

A cat has announced that he would rather lick his own a*sehole than eat the expensive cat food his owner buys for him.

Mr Fluffykins, a ‘fur-baby’ from Surrey said, “My human servant keeps giving me stuff in pouches, with poncy names like ‘Pamper Puss - succulent morsels of beef with carrots in a delicious jus’, and ‘Posh Paws - tender flakes of white fish with spinach in savoury jelly’. She doesn’t seem to realise it’s all just artificially flavoured horse meat, and it tastes disgusting!

'All I do is lick the gravy or the jelly off it' , continued an indignant Fluffykins. 'Why don’t they make pouches of just gravy or jelly? And whose daft idea was it to put vegetables in cat food? You never see a cat in the wild munching on a carrot. It’s a well-known fact that cats like the taste of their own a*seholes, and they also like to eat rodents, garden birds, and rubbish out of people’s bins. They should make cat food with those flavours.'

'Sparrow in bin juice - yummy, I’d eat that! And if they want to put vegetables in it, they could add a bit of grass', noted the cat, warming to the theme. 'That would save me having to go out and find some grass to eat every time I want to sick a furball up on her carpet.”

When Mr Fluffykins’ human servant was asked what she would be having for dinner today, she replied, “Well, I’ve spent so much on cat food this month that I’m a bit skint, so I’ll probably just have Tesco Value beans on toast, again…”

Image: Pixabay/peacedreamlady

'Big Dog Big Eats' cookbook launched by Tory party

Jacob Rees-Mogg today announces that he has teamed up with fellow Tory progeny Nigella Lawson to launch a cookbook aimed at helping the UK population through the cost of living crisis.

“Big Dog Big Eats : Cooking on a Stirrip leather” aims to give the voting public the tools to make the most of the store cupboard items to make delicious meals.

Tory politicians past and present have submitted recipes to thrill and get the taste buds salivating. These include:

• Gove’s foie gras and sourdough blinis

• Priti’s pomodorro pasta with phoenix steak

• Ben Wallace’s wagyu burgers with white truffle jus

• Coffey’s Kopi Luwak coffee and truffle cake

• Cameron’s braised pig’s lips and trotter stew

• Osborne’s coke and sherbet surprise

• Malthouse’s caviar and single malt

• Shappanade - Grant Shapps take on the classic tapenade

'These are the essentials that everyone needs their maids, cooks and help, to know how to make, using just a few simple ingredients that everybody should have in their pantries,' said Rees-Mogg at the book launch.