A cat has announced that he would rather lick his own a*sehole than eat the expensive cat food his owner buys for him.
Mr Fluffykins, a ‘fur-baby’ from Surrey said, “My human servant keeps giving me stuff in pouches, with poncy names like ‘Pamper Puss - succulent morsels of beef with carrots in a delicious jus’, and ‘Posh Paws - tender flakes of white fish with spinach in savoury jelly’. She doesn’t seem to realise it’s all just artificially flavoured horse meat, and it tastes disgusting!
'All I do is lick the gravy or the jelly off it' , continued an indignant Fluffykins. 'Why don’t they make pouches of just gravy or jelly? And whose daft idea was it to put vegetables in cat food? You never see a cat in the wild munching on a carrot. It’s a well-known fact that cats like the taste of their own a*seholes, and they also like to eat rodents, garden birds, and rubbish out of people’s bins. They should make cat food with those flavours.'
'Sparrow in bin juice - yummy, I’d eat that! And if they want to put vegetables in it, they could add a bit of grass', noted the cat, warming to the theme. 'That would save me having to go out and find some grass to eat every time I want to sick a furball up on her carpet.”
When Mr Fluffykins’ human servant was asked what she would be having for dinner today, she replied, “Well, I’ve spent so much on cat food this month that I’m a bit skint, so I’ll probably just have Tesco Value beans on toast, again…”