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The fat b*stards guide to gaining weight while on a diet

Have you been told you need to lose some weight, but dread the misery of dieting? With this handy guide you can follow a diet, and still gain weight at the same time:

Buy low calorie snacks, then eat twice as many. Reduced calorie snacks are an easy way to treat yourself when you’re dieting. Unfortunately, they’re not as filling as the non-diet versions, but they only contain half the calories so it’s okay to eat twice as many.

Ignore stuff about portion sizes on food packaging. Instructions about how many portions are contained in a pack are completely unrealistic, and were obviously written by an anorexic. There's nothing wrong with eating a whole party sized Sara Lee chocolate gateau by yourself in one sitting.

Don’t count liquids as part of your diet plan. It stands to reason that drinks can’t contain calories, as they’re basically just water with a few added ingredients. So it’s okay to drink loads of alcohol, sugary fizzy drinks, full-fat milkshakes, and have 6 sugars in cups of tea and coffee.

Reward yourself for sticking to your diet. When you’ve been good and stuck to your diet all day, give yourself a reward. Eat a whole box of Mars ice creams and a family sized bag of Wotsits while you watch TV in the evening - you deserve a treat for sticking to your diet so faithfully.

Drive to the gym. If you’re trying to lose weight, you need to join a gym. Drive to the gym even though it’s only a 5-minute walk from your house, then get changed into your plus-sized exercise wear that you’ve never actually sweated in. Sit at the juice bar, and have a smoothie that probably contains more calories than a bucket of fried chicken. Then drive home again, knowing you’ve fulfilled your exercise quota for the day just by being at the gym for 20 minutes.

If you follow the above plan and find you’ve gained two stones in weight, just blame your scales, which obviously must be faulty.

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