Football commentators say pre-season has been 'unbelievably fantastic'

Preparations for the new Premier League season are almost complete for television pundits and most are agreed that the pre-season friendly matches have, yet again, been either 'unbelievable', 'fantastic' or 'unbelievably fantastic'. 

Opinions are divided on whether Liverpool's transfer business will enable them to retain the league title, whether Manchester United will be less useless than last year and whether Arsenal finally buying a striker will make them less Spursy.  However, the potential use of any other superlatives to describe good players playing well this season was described as 'unbelievable'.

Despite reported rumours of words such as wonderful and memorable being introduced for the new season, it is understood that no additions were made to the commentators' vocabulary during the summer.  On the contrary, pre-season training has concentrated on strengthening the use of the existing structures and patterns of speech to make best use of the existing words.  However, Ally McCoist can still only say unbelievable or fantastic about the beautiful game, and not unbelievably fantastic.  Apparently there is no chance whatsoever of him ever mastering fantastically unbelievable.

Gary Neville meanwhile, is said to be working on the judicious use of 'sensational' during his post-match analysis to describe an obdurate defender kicking a tricky, creative winger right up in the air.  But if such a significant change to his delivery doesn't work first time, he is prepared to go back to the tried and trusted 'unbelievable'.

Evil doers: 'Morecambe or Sheffield Wednesday - which team can we destroy next?'

As another 100-year-old football club is potentially being run into the ground by a sad excuse of an owner, see which other opportunistic scumbags are ready to ruin your local club. Most of these should never pass a school never mind the EFL's owners' and directors' test.

Let’s have a look at the evil vultures circling the lower league.

Baron Silas Greenback Currently an evil toad and the main enemy of Danger Mouse, he is interested in buying or stealing clubs in the first step towards world domination. He has passed the EFL's owners' and directors' test.

The Kid Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Taking particular interest in the youth teams and academy setups of struggling clubs, he is quoted as saying, “There are children here somewhere. I can smell them” He has passed the EFL's owners' and directors' test.

Hans Gruber After surviving the fall from Nakatomi Plaza in Die Hard, Mr Gruber has put together a team of specialists from Europe to acquire clubs in desirable areas. He is aiming to sell the land and then blow up the stadiums, then in the ensuing chaos, disappear off and sit on a beach earning 20%. He has passed the EFL's owners' and directors' test under the name Bill Clay.

Jason Whittingham The current owner of Morecambe since May 2018, soon to be prowling the lower leagues for a new target. He has been a director at 25 companies during his career, 18 have been either dissolved, voluntarily dissolved, put into administration, put into liquidation, or put into receiver action (the precursor stage to liquidation), but he still passed the EFL's owners' and directors' test. (All True)

Jabba the Hutt Jabba eat doe football team um staff um dwana doe ground tah Saudi Arabia. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Jabba has passed doe efl's owners' um directors' test.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive / Wix AI

Everton Seeks to Establish 'European Suboptimal League'

In a fresh challenge to Europe’s football status quo, Everton have announced they intend to form a breakaway entity called the ‘European Suboptimal League.’ The league will feature sides ‘that have over the years consistently possessed the will to renounce excellence,’ said a spokesman at a sparsely attended press conference. ‘Fans want to see action on the pitch that reflects their own lived experiences: thankless, unending drudgery, punctuated by occasional outbursts of spectacular failure.’

It remains unclear which other squads Everton will seek to recruit, though West Ham, San Marino, and sides currently or formerly managed by Wayne Rooney are thought to be among those in the frame. The Suboptimal League spokesman denied rumours that Manchester United would be allowed to join. ‘While they have expressed considerable interest, we don’t want teams who have purchased inadequacy, but rather those who have earned it through years of unstinting toil.’

The move has been a long time coming, according to Alfred Newman, Professor of Advanced Mediocrity Studies at the University of Liverpool. ‘For many years Everton have been looking for ways to monetize their indescribable nondescriptness,’ he said, ‘and it appears they may now have found the perfect solution.’ However, Newman warned that the league may not be sustainable over the long term. ‘It is likely that at least a handful of the teams in the league would actually win several matches, which would begin to dent their brands.’

 Newman said that ‘subtle rules changes could enhance the league’s staying power’ by ensuring a proliferation of draws. For example, ‘a ravenous mastiff could be released onto the pitch every time a squad gets the ball into the final third.’ Another approach would involve equipping keepers with ‘gloves that shoot enormous jets of flame.’ Newman suggested these ideas could be piloted in ‘a league of lesser significance, like the MLS.’

A Premier League representative expressed little concern over Everton’s move. ‘We can live without them,’ he said, apparently suppressing a yawn. ‘But if this new league does come into existence, maybe it could take David Coote off our hands.’

Image credit: "Project 366 #97: 060424 It's Been A While" by comedy_nose is marked with CC0 1.0.