Coleen and Rebekah to battle it out in the ring

Inspired by the pointless money-grabbing exercise that was the fight between Jake Paul and Mike Tyson, we have been told Coleen Rooney and Rebekah Vardy have decided to stage their own boxing match.

In a move that's possibly less violent than their infamous Wagatha Christie court case, the two footballers’ wives will go toe to toe live on TV.

The TV rights to the fight – due to take place at 3am in a locked-in pub in Wigan - have been bought by Sky Sports for £1.50.

“We’re both up for it,” said an excited Rooney, who is married to one of the worst football managers in Plymouth. “And there’s no chance of either of us getting a split lip because there’s too much collagen in there.”

“She’s dead,” added Vardy. “And I’ve asked my agent to drop my phone into the sea so my training doesn’t distracted.”

Bookmakers have Vardy as the 5-1 favourite compared with 16-2 for her rival.

“To be honest, they both look so similar we could probably get away with claiming the loser had won,” said a spokesman for Padded Power.

image from pixabay

Scotland celebrate coming second from bottom in Nations League footie

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Guardian staff to receive counselling for bad weather

Following the Guardian’s decision to offer counselling to staff upset by Donald Trump’s victory in the US election, it has been decided to expand the programme to cover other things which may trouble north London’s most delicate flowers.

First to apply was the paper’s environment correspondent, Esperance Tzatziki, who complained that the lovely walk on the Heath she had planned for the weekend had been spoiled by the weather. Senior staff were initially unsure if this really merited counselling, until she pointed out that it was probably due to climate change, at which point they heartily agreed it must have been very upsetting for her. She then requested further counselling on the grounds that their initial scepticism had compounded the original trauma.

Next up was star columnist Pippi Longstocking, who said her journey to the office had been marred by the presence on the train of some ghastly football supporters. When it was pointed out the paper does cover football, she said, 'Yes, but only with snide articles about the game being ruined by money, nothing any actual football fan would want to read.' Her claim was also accepted.

Third came the paper’s racial justice correspondent Batti al Wakko, who said that merely being around all these white people in the office was very oppressive for her. The paper accepted her claim, and then apologised for not doing so earlier, before she had even made it.

'Look, I’m obviously not going to complain,' said Islington-based therapist Rachel Greenblatt. 'I’ve never been so busy. I’ve had to take on a full-time receptionist, just to make sure the waiting room always has a wide selection of Fairtrade coffees and the right brand of mineral water.

'Of course, it does mean my work with survivors of rape and sexual assault has had to take a back seat. But they never paid as well as the Guardian anyway.'

Photo by stockcake: rainy-day-commute_480925_330947