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Police ask undercover reporters to stop investigating Reform

Writer: Sully
Sully
Sep 4

Police chiefs have expressed ‘irritation’ and ‘dismay’ after learning of yet another journalist exposing dodgy dealings by Nigel Farage’s current political party.


‘It’s a lot of work’, a spokesman confirmed. ‘We have to interview people, look through accounts – it’s fucking tedious. Everyone knows they’re dodgy – couldn’t we just accept that and move on? Nobody makes us raid the thousands of money-laundering shops on the high street – we all just shrug and get on with our day. Why can’t these journalists just leave crime alone for a bit?’


Nigel Farage was unavailable for comment as he was reorganising his gold. 




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Reform UK introduces donor card scheme

Writer: Jeremynh
Jeremynh
Sep 4
If you believe this, you'll believe anything
If you believe this, you'll believe anything

Insurgent populist party Reform UK has introduced a revolutionary donor card scheme which it hopes British citizens will carry with them at all times.


The card says: "In the event of me happening to be related to some very rich foreigner, I will allow millions of Bitcoins to be channelled through my bank account into the coffers of Reform UK."


I suppose there is nothing wrong with such a card being printed or carried," said Court of Appeal judge Lord Bufton Tufton, considering an application for the donor card to be banned. "But if we were to find out that Reform was secretly getting money from foreign donors in this way, the law would crack down on the practice as decisively as it is doing now - ie. not at all."   


Image: Co-Pilot



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Farage spent £5,000,000 on anti-milkshake security equipment

BillClay
May 1

Claiming the £5,000,000 grift, sorry gift, was for personal security, The Supreme Leader of Reform spaffed the whole lot on state-of-the-art anti-milkshake technology:

• Low orbit dairy drink detection satellites


• A small portable Surface to Milkshake missile system


• Paper Straw proof vest


• Milk stabilisation robots, to slowly stir any milk rather than violently agitate it


• Lessons in not being a racist bell-end – (unfortunately he did not any)




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