Don Dastardly's evil plots flop in Wacky Election Races

'Drat, drat and double drat!' spat US President Don Dastardly, stamping his feet in rage as Lula avoided the tin tacks he'd scattered on the road and cruised to victory over his far-right opponent in the Brazilian election.

'It's all your fault, you snickering, hillbilly hound!' he shouted at his sidekick, JD 'Muttley' Vance, giving him a swift clip round the ear.

In the latest episode of the Wacky Election Races, Don Dastardly was seen spreading oil across all the roads leading to the Knesset to cause every politician in Israel to swerve and crash besides his beloved ally, Benjamin 'Indicted for War Crimes' Netanyahu, driving the Genocidal Likudmobile.

Don and Muttley were also spotted building a catapult to launch Marine Le Pen and the AfD to ill-deserved election victories in France and Germany.

'It's going to be a hard-right turn for everyone if my villainous plots succeed!' Dastardly cackled.

Image: WixAI

Trump to run for French Presidency

'Failing Emmanuel Macron has been totally letting down the French people with these riots,' wrote US president Donald Trump on his media site, Truthless Sociopath.

'That's why I am going to change my name to Jean-Con Donald Le Trompe, wear a lurid red beret, and do the job properly,' continued the post, which included an off-putting video of Trump chomping on a hamburger wrapped in a baguette.   

'Have you French rioters even thought yet of storming the National Assembly? My supporters stormed the Capitol in Washington and ransacked it for hours, and I pardoned them all afterwards. That's what I mean by doing riots properly.

'And all you French riot police who've been getting grief for firing rubber bullets and hurling grenades at the rioters. I'd let you do what ICE agents do in the US - shoot people out on the streets with high-calibre handguns at point blank range and never get prosecuted.'

'The president is eminently suited for the role,' said a White House spokes-escargot, 'since he eats French fries for breakfast, lunch and dinner and dreams about French kissing every blonde on his staff.

'And the President will be bringing some traditional, wholesome American political values to the degenerate French,' croaked the spokes-grenouille.

At press time, Donald Trump was posting pictures of the Arc de Triomphe in Paris with a vulgar Arc de Trompe built on top of it, vowing to change the name of the Champs Elysee to the Champs Ivanka, and offering every French voter a 5,000 euro election bribe.

www.newsbiscuit.com

Image: ChatGPT

Eiffel Tower listed on Vinted

French rioters have attempted to sell off their spoils, with some questionable EBay listings…

• 'Vintage portrait of moody girl named Lisa.' Smiles not included.

• 'One tall metal garden ornament by local handyman ‘Eiffel’.' Buyer must collect with crane.

• 'Old tapestry showing a bunch of knights arguing. Might be big enough to cover a small cathedral wall.' Will ship from London address.

• 'Medieval coronation sword, barely used, only swung in a few national emergencies.' Like most French weapons, good as new.

• 'One extremely old bell. Loud. Very loud. Possibly removed from a building shaped like a gothic hedgehog.' Would suit a buyer with back condition.

• 'Pair of fancy chairs. Slightly throne-shaped. Upholstery screams ‘revolution trauma’.' COD Palace of Versailles.

www.newsbiscuit.com

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/pexels-2286921/