Free school meals for kids who volunteer for the army

Labour have unveiled their policy to tackle dwindling military recruitment, by treating the working-class like grouse. Called 'Feed the cannon fodder', the new initiative will put plump targets on the front line, which can be lured for the kill on the Glorious 12th - or any day of the year, really.

Said a Minister: 'There's no point in feeding up the little blighters, if all they are going to do is sit on the dole. They need to earn their keep, by providing bored artillery units something to aim at.'

Kids as young as 5 will be fast-tracked to the eastern front, to provide much needed relief for the current sitting ducks. For every ten free meals a school child will need to complete one tour of duty. 'There'll be no medals for the survivors but there will be pudding.'

image from pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Actually, we do have free speech, you wanker

.

Labour secretly supplied Harris with Taylor Swift tickets

Keir Starmer has been forced to deny interfering in a foreign election, despite definitely interfering in a foreign election. In his defense, there were plenty of foreigners interfering with his own election, so really this is just Kama for Kamala.

Using Labour's winning strategy may not be so effective, as no one in the US cares that Harris is not Jeremy Corbyn. Plus, the Democrats have struggled to explain why Kamala Harris is cutting winter fuel allowance and now has a season ticket to Arsenal.

Hundreds of staffers have been sent to key swing states, in the hope that invading Brits will be as popular as they were 250 years ago. Said one activist: 'We hope to make Harris as popular as Starmer.' So she is going to win, right? 'That's not what I said.'

Photo by Stephen Mease on Unsplash