New sun ray tax will restore nation's normal state of gloom

Old Whassname? You know, thingummy? The Chancellor of the Exchequer will be introducing a sun ray tax, to charge UK citizens for undeservedly high levels of wellbeing.

'Over the past month or so of warm weather,' said the grey blur of a chancellor, who will be gone by the end of the summer, 'none of you has needed to use your central heating.

"Also, a great many of you have walked or cycled to places so you can enjoy the sunshine, rather than driving - thereby saving on petrol.

"And all you freeloaders have been receiving free infusions of Vitamin D, rather than having to buy it as a dietary supplement from Boots.

"I have even been told by Treasury officials, who have been out spying on you all, that some of you have been dangling your bare feet over the banks of rivers in the countryside, looking at the clear blue sky and thinking that life isn't that bad, after all.

"This level of carefree contentment is unacceptable, since you are all meant to be living through the nastiest cost of living crisis in 50 years.

"Where the hell do you think you are? The Mediterranean? And don't you know it's only this sunny because of life-destroying global warming?

"We will now claw back all the money you thought you'd been saving, and pitch you all back into abject guilt and desperation, with our new Sun Ray Tax. It's a variation on the windfall taxes we impose on firms when they make undeservedly high profits.

"So just remember: if you are basking in the sun right now and feeling vaguely happy with life, we are sure as hell going to make you pay for it, Sunny Jim."

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/

North Sea dairies accused of milking ‘cash cow’ consumers

Multinational bovine conglomerate British Lactoleum is facing criticism for profiteering from continued inflated prices for moo-juice, despite baseline prices falling at the udder, with CEO Gerald Holstein accused of having milk on his hands.

Condemned for creaming off shareholder dividends at the expense of, and indeed all over, calcium-starved consumers, Mr Holstein insisted the company was investing literally pence in switching a token 5% of its production to alternative human fuels, such as oat, almond, and: ‘oh, I don’t know- turnip? Gravel?’

Speaking through a luxuriant milk moustache, he continued: ‘We appreciate most normal people we really don’t give a sh*it about will find the switch prohibitively expensive, but remember substitutes like ‘red UHT’ are illegal, and hacks such as adding Nesquik to your cereal may not provide enough energy to get to your multiple cleaning and delivery jobs.

‘Retraining as a barista specialising in milk-rich babyccinos would also help keep the gold top flowing into our company accounts; or simply invest in good old British colostrum and spend the day wallowing in a jacuzzi of the stuff, like I do.’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/couleur-1195798/

Kiddies Korner