The Chancellor, Rachel Reeves (at the time of publication), is due to give her doom-laden budget speech at the end of the month. Journalists are desperately trying to prize information out of her about what will be in it.
Most news stories for the last month, and almost certainly for the next month, revolve around things that the Chancellor has neither ruled in, nor ruled out. As media editors demand more and more copy about budget speculation, the questions are becoming increasingly unhinged.
One media outlet suggested that the government might reintroduce a pet licence costing £20 per cat and £50 per dog. The differential charge is because cats are better at covering it up, whereas dogs incur higher street cleaning costs. This tax would have raised almost one billion pounds. The Chancellor, however, refused to confirm or deny.
Also in limbo are suggestions about reinstating George Osborne’s pasty tax and caravan tax. A tax on tarmacked over driveways – because they increase rain water run-off – cannot be confirmed or denied.
Experts say that a tax on aeroplane meals is 'pie in the sky' and also say that it’s highly unlikely that the Chancellor would impose a tax on hens’ teeth. A tax on anchovies would be hard to collect and would be in bad taste. A proposed increase in gambling tax is described as 'pure speculation' and 25-1 against.
The experts also say that a penguin tax would raise very little money in the UK, unless the Chancellor decides to target the biscuits (or are they cakes?) formerly made of chocolate.
So there you have it. The complete absence of solid facts. And lots of ill-informed speculation. But plenty of copy.
If you have any mad ideas about taxing something stupid, saucy, or outrageous, please send us a message, and we’ll write it up for tomorrow’s paper.
Image: Newsbiscuit Archive
Betfred are willing to dispose of thousands of innocent employees if the government fails to drop their massive, unrealistic, excessive tax on their massive, unrealistic, excessive profits.
The terrorist leader, billionaire owner Fred, made demands on a news broadcast, saying they would have to get rid of the 7,500 hostages if the government implements their proposed gambling tax. 'We will 'retire' a hostage, every hour, on the hour, until our requirements are met. Once the guarantees are confirmed, I will leave. No, I don’t need a helicopter, I’ve already got one.
'We just want a free betting environment,' he continued. 'We are not violent extremists, more like freespin fighters. The oppressive Labour regime is committing atrocities on our profits. If they don’t want to see bodies out on the streets, then they must give us access to our God given obscene bonuses.'
Fred, AKA Freddy the Weasel, Whiney Fred and Freddie Two-Yachts, was calling from an undisclosed location, but probably his £7.5million house in Manchester, or his Lake District mansion, or his property in the South of France.
The authorities are suspicious of a new insurance policy taken out by Fred’s brother, 'Honest' Pete, on all 1,287 Betfred shops. A source known as Lucky Argyle has heard rumours that they all are going to explode during the hostage release, and the police will spend months sifting through rubble, and by the time they figure out what went wrong, Fred and Pete be sitting on a beach, earning twenty percent. The classic Die Hard plan.
As usual, Sir Keir Starmer just wanted all the sausages to be released, unburnt.
Image credit: perchance.org