Chancellor refuses to rule out tax on pets

The Chancellor, Rachel Reeves (at the time of publication), is due to give her doom-laden budget speech at the end of the month. Journalists are desperately trying to prize information out of her about what will be in it.

Most news stories for the last month, and almost certainly for the next month, revolve around things that the Chancellor has neither ruled in, nor ruled out. As media editors demand more and more copy about budget speculation, the questions are becoming increasingly unhinged.

One media outlet suggested that the government might reintroduce a pet licence costing £20 per cat and £50 per dog. The differential charge is because cats are better at covering it up, whereas dogs incur higher street cleaning costs. This tax would have raised almost one billion pounds. The Chancellor, however, refused to confirm or deny.

Also in limbo are suggestions about reinstating George Osborne’s pasty tax and caravan tax. A tax on tarmacked over driveways – because they increase rain water run-off – cannot be confirmed or denied.

Experts say that a tax on aeroplane meals is 'pie in the sky' and also say that it’s highly unlikely that the Chancellor would impose a tax on hens’ teeth. A tax on anchovies would be hard to collect and would be in bad taste. A proposed increase in gambling tax is described as 'pure speculation' and 25-1 against.

The experts also say that a penguin tax would raise very little money in the UK, unless the Chancellor decides to target the biscuits (or are they cakes?) formerly made of chocolate.

So there you have it. The complete absence of solid facts. And lots of ill-informed speculation. But plenty of copy.

If you have any mad ideas about taxing something stupid, saucy, or outrageous, please send us a message, and we’ll write it up for tomorrow’s paper.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive