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Chancellor makes all taxes optional



In a surprise announcement Chancellor Rishi Sunak has said that as of Monday, all taxes will be optional.


"This expands our existing policies", explained Mr Sunak. "Up until now, optional taxes were available to the Royal family, my wife and other very rich people but now, people will be able to choose whether or not to pay taxes."


The new policy has experienced some teething problems; with long queues at shops as customers debate whether they have to pay VAT.


Chris Grayling has been seen arguing at a book shop that he shouldn't pay the 0% tax on his purchases and demanding a refund.


Lord Lebedev added, "Я люблю брать деньги у британских идиотов."





First published 11 April 2022


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Broad-shouldered community condemns Budget tax rises


People with broad shoulders across the UK has expressed outrage at Rachel Reeves budget yesterday, claiming they are unfairly being expected to carry the brunt of tax rises on their admittedly impressive deltoids. 


'The Chancellor says those with the broadest shoulders should bear the biggest burden of tax rises', noted Mick (22-inch shoulder width) towelling himself down during a 30 minute weightlifting workout at the Muscle and Bustle gym in Croydon. 'I'm now facing punitive marginal tax rates of 70% and what..I'm just expected to take it on my granite chin?' 


Over 500 mesomorphs, including Daniel Craig, Ben Shepherd, Thor, Hercules, Wreck-it-Ralph, every Gladiator from the TV show,  and the family of Geoff Capes have signed a letter published in the Guardian today, complaining about overt discrimination in the measures announced in the budget.


'We are just your average bodybuilders, firefighters, A-list male action movie actors, front-row rugby players, or Olympic swimmers', said the sultry, muscular male model from the 1980s black and white Athena poster where he is holding a baby with no top on.


'Our worry is that this is just the thin end of the wedge. Who's going to be the losers in Reeves next budget - the barrel-chested? Strapping hulks? Bullnecks? Or anyone who's a bit stocky or thick-set? 


In contrast, narrow shouldered ectomorphs have welcomed the measures. Michael McBride, 19, with a shoulder width of just 14 inches said timidly it was good to get some benefit from the budget, and it would certainly ease the pain of years of relentless bullying he'd experienced for many years at school as he emerged from chess club at the end of lunch break.




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