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Broad-shouldered community condemns Budget tax rises

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People with broad shoulders across the UK has expressed outrage at Rachel Reeves budget yesterday, claiming they are unfairly being expected to carry the brunt of tax rises on their admittedly impressive deltoids. 


'The Chancellor says those with the broadest shoulders should bear the biggest burden of tax rises', noted Mick (22-inch shoulder width) towelling himself down during a 30 minute weightlifting workout at the Muscle and Bustle gym in Croydon. 'I'm now facing punitive marginal tax rates of 70% and what..I'm just expected to take it on my granite chin?' 


Over 500 mesomorphs, including Daniel Craig, Ben Shepherd, Thor, Hercules, Wreck-it-Ralph, every Gladiator from the TV show,  and the family of Geoff Capes have signed a letter published in the Guardian today, complaining about overt discrimination in the measures announced in the budget.


'We are just your average bodybuilders, firefighters, A-list male action movie actors, front-row rugby players, or Olympic swimmers', said the sultry, muscular male model from the 1980s black and white Athena poster where he is holding a baby with no top on.


'Our worry is that this is just the thin end of the wedge. Who's going to be the losers in Reeves next budget - the barrel-chested? Strapping hulks? Bullnecks? Or anyone who's a bit stocky or thick-set? 


In contrast, narrow shouldered ectomorphs have welcomed the measures. Michael McBride, 19, with a shoulder width of just 14 inches said timidly it was good to get some benefit from the budget, and it would certainly ease the pain of years of relentless bullying he'd experienced for many years at school as he emerged from chess club at the end of lunch break.




Chancellor refuses to rule out tax on pets

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The Chancellor, Rachel Reeves (at the time of publication), is due to give her doom-laden budget speech at the end of the month. Journalists are desperately trying to prize information out of her about what will be in it.


Most news stories for the last month, and almost certainly for the next month, revolve around things that the Chancellor has neither ruled in, nor ruled out. As media editors demand more and more copy about budget speculation, the questions are becoming increasingly unhinged.


One media outlet suggested that the government might reintroduce a pet licence costing £20 per cat and £50 per dog. The differential charge is because cats are better at covering it up, whereas dogs incur higher street cleaning costs. This tax would have raised almost one billion pounds. The Chancellor, however, refused to confirm or deny.


Also in limbo are suggestions about reinstating George Osborne’s pasty tax and caravan tax. A tax on tarmacked over driveways – because they increase rain water run-off – cannot be confirmed or denied.


Experts say that a tax on aeroplane meals is 'pie in the sky' and also say that it’s highly unlikely that the Chancellor would impose a tax on hens’ teeth. A tax on anchovies would be hard to collect and would be in bad taste. A proposed increase in gambling tax is described as 'pure speculation' and 25-1 against.


The experts also say that a penguin tax would raise very little money in the UK, unless the Chancellor decides to target the biscuits (or are they cakes?) formerly made of chocolate.


So there you have it. The complete absence of solid facts. And lots of ill-informed speculation. But plenty of copy.


If you have any mad ideas about taxing something stupid, saucy, or outrageous, please send us a message, and we’ll write it up for tomorrow’s paper.


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

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