Cost of living crisis - PM and Chancellor are both on the same page

It's being reported by Downing Street, that although the PM and the Chancellor had previously disagreed about a windfall tax on energy companies they are both now nearly on the same page.

Unfortunately, during their disagreement, the page got shredded. A team of forensic civil servants have been tasked with reassembling the pieces, hopefully in the correct order and it is hoped that by the time the work is completed, the nation will be able to afford to eat again and pay their bills.

When asked how long this would take, one of the civil servants told us "It's a laborious and painstaking job re-assembling shredded paper. Before we can get started on re-assembling the page, we have to pick out the pieces from all the other stuff in the shredder. It wouldn't have been so bad if the PM hadn't asked the Metropolitan police to hand the Partygate evidence over to him, now they've finished their inquiry."

Image: pixabay/Hans

Geoffrey Boycott to replace Imran Khan as Pakistani leader

The Pakistani government has made a controversial choice by choosing to elect outspoken former Yorkshire cricketer and grumpy old bugger, Geoffrey Boycott, as a replacement for outgoing Prime Minister, Imran Khan. Mr Khan's supporters are furious that he has been dropped and have taken to the streets, demanding action replays and use of the DRS.

Boycott has agreed to pad up and walk out to the crease and has promised to put Pakistan back on the world map.

"Khan was OK as a one day Prime Minister, or even a 20-20 leader but, on the big occasions, he needed to use his skills better and put in much more effort. He needed more games and not just on Sunday afternoons", he told our reporter.

He continued, "Khan has had a terrible innings. My grandmother could have done a better job than that."

Boycott is said to have already put together a Trophy Cabinet, his first eleven, which includes Wasim Akram, Waqar Younis, and Dickie Bird as Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Boycott's grandmother was unavailable for comment.

700+ Free Pakistan & Nature Photos (pixabay.com)

Chancellor makes all taxes optional

In a surprise announcement Chancellor Rishi Sunak has said that as of Monday, all taxes will be optional.

"This expands our existing policies", explained Mr Sunak. "Up until now, optional taxes were available to the Royal family, my wife and other very rich people but now, people will be able to choose whether or not to pay taxes."

The new policy has experienced some teething problems; with long queues at shops as customers debate whether they have to pay VAT.

Chris Grayling has been seen arguing at a book shop that he shouldn't pay the 0% tax on his purchases and demanding a refund.

Lord Lebedev added, "Я люблю брать деньги у британских идиотов."

Credit Squeeze Taxation Purse - Free photo on Pixabay