Chancellor to blame H&S Executive for severe budget cuts

A speech due to be made by the Chancellor in preparation for his budget announcement will say that the "Low-Hanging" fruit in departmental budgets has been successively harvested by previous Tory Chancellors and although there is abundant fruit on higher branches, it would require a cherry picker to reach.

He will say that whereas in the past, Eastern Europeans who worked in the exchequer were qualified to drive cherry pickers since it was part of their school curriculum, getting certification to drive one as required by the Health and Safety Executive, has never been part of the English school curriculum, who is more biased towards obtaining qualifications in the King James' Bible.

Some parts of the Tory Party have suggested that offering short-term asylum for Manston immigrants with cherry picker certification and experience of national budgets may help the chancellor reach a fairer budget in these difficult times, the Home Secretary is opposed to this, saying their Rwanda flights had already been paid for and it would be a waste of taxpayers money if they weren't on the planes.

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‘Piece of p*ss, this Chancellor lark’ declares Hunt

Being Chancellor of the Exchequer is really easy, nothing like as tricky as people were making it out to be, Jeremy Hunt has said to have confided, after nearly a week in the job.

‘He was expecting it to require some kind of knowledge of monetary policy and the complex relationship between expansionary fiscal instruments and their impacts upon inflation and interest rates’, said a source close to Hunt.

‘But it turns out all he needs to do is just reverse every decision that Truss and Kwarteng made, using a deep and solemn voice’, continue the spokesperson. ‘Simple as that. A bit like ‘Simon Says’ but it’s ‘Jeremy Says’ and the markets are the ones putting their hands on their heads. Or something like that.

'He actually keeps a little list in his pocket and just ticks each policy off as he announces the exact opposite with that smarmy grin of his’.

‘And everyone is lapping it up, even though all the cutbacks and savings he's making are really fictional savings on things only just put in place in the mini-budget by that pair of buffoons three weeks ago’.

‘Of course, once he's finished with the U-turns, he can move on to announcing his own fantastic set of policies for the good of the country – like he did when he was at Health.

‘The whole country is loving it. We heard a voter declare that Trussonomics was dead, and we could now look forward to Total Hunt.’

‘At least we think that’s what they said’.

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Jeremy Hunt enters third day of not blinking

Chancellor of the Exchequer for this week, Jeremy Hunt, has entered his third day of not blinking. 'He hasn't closed his eyes to sleep,' pointed out a close ally. There is a belief in Downing Street that if Hunt blinks then the dream will end and the markets will drop immediately, so he has undertaken to avoid blinking as long as possible. An alternative rumour is that Jeremy Hunt is dead, hence why he hasn't blinked for three days. Upon hearing this the markets rose instantly.

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