Twenty million households in council tax bands A-D will receive a £100 "household energy payment" this winter, paid directly into bank accounts for help with rising energy bills.
However, with the energy price cap set to rise by a massive 27% in January, rather than turn the heating on, it might actually be cheaper and warmer to take the £100 out the bank and set fire to it.
Undercover reporters have suggested that Deloitte may have helped Roman Ambramovich falsify tax returns, which is like saying you have found out that he does not keep his money under a mattress. Nothing is surprising about this case. It is like being bewildered that he has a team of lawyers, following the other revelation that fish inhabit the sea.
This is in keeping with headlines such as – ‘Billionaire caught owning a yacht the size of a medium-sized democracy. Neighbours stunned’, ‘Magnat revealed to have a personal chef. Investigators still examining whether water is wet’ and ‘Uber-rich avoid flying economy class. Inquiry expected to last several seconds.’
Said one accountant, ‘This is a tax evader caught trying to make more money. How do you think they got to be a billionaire in the first place? And in a related development, bears have again been observed in woodland areas.’
Image by Grok
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"The big thing about Kemi is that she really thinks through her genius policy decisions," lied a spokes-Pinnochio for the Conservative Party.
"So we wondered on her behalf how we would make up the revenue lost in removing inheritance tax on homes and we came up with a revolutionary new 'sap tax'.
"This is a tax levied specifically on kind-hearted saps who do things like tip cabbies, hand wallets full of money into the police and fill out tax return forms without inventing a whole load of deductible expenses. Tax collectors would go out and about, collecting information on likely marks.
"The great thing about a sap tax is that the people we're targeting are exactly the type of sheeple who'd pay a new tax without a bleat," said the Tory Party spokes-shearer. "The average Tory, of course, wouldn't be in the frame for it at all."
image from pixabay
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