top of page
Search

Bribe replacement service to replace gravy train over Christmas shutdown


Due to essential maintenance payments needed over the festive season, British politicians are going to be unable to catch the gravy train.  Luckily the government has arranged for a bribe replacement service to be implemented so that the grift keeps on coming.


The replacement service is available to local and national level politicians of all political parties.  A government spokesman insisted that all bribes are eligible for Grift Aid, meaning that the taxpayer will chip in 25% extra to any bribes, subject to the briber paying enough tax in the first place, which come to think of it probably means the taxpayer is off the hook on that one.


image from pixabay

Road pricing: drivers will get refunds for delays


The government introduced road pricing in the Budget last month. Drivers of EVs will now have to pay extra money for every mile driven.


However, like the refunds for delayed train journeys, drivers will be able to claim for a refund if their trip is delayed by roadworks, accidents, bad weather, or acts of God.  And learner drivers will also be able to claim back up to 10,000 miles of practice driving, but only for the 12 months before they passed their practical test.


Drivers will not get a refund for claiming that the government wrongly advised them to buy a diesel car, on the basis of low emissions.  Nor can they get a refund if they bought an electric car based on wildly optimistic estimates of the cost of charging it or fictionalised estimates of how far you can drive on a full battery.  And let’s not even start on the problems with hybrid cars.  Suffice to say, you only bought the damn thing to avoid the congestion charge, so if you now pay twice, through fuel duty AND the mileage charge, well, that’s just karma.  So tough luck, clever clogs.


An HMRC spokesman said, ‘Although we sort of need the money (according to Rachel), the government has agreed to have a level playing field between cars and trains.  As you can get a refund for train delays, the government has agreed that you can also get a refund for car delays.  As with the trains, you can get a full refund if your car journey was delayed by two hours or more.


‘To claim, you will simply need to provide your government-approved GPS tracker data to confirm that you were stuck on the road for the whole time, with no stops for coffee, meals, or anything else.  That data, plus the details on the accompanying 36-page form, will guarantee you a full refund within 6–9 months.’



Our In Depth Budget Analysis


This has certainly been a budget of budgets. So many budgetty things. Luckily for you, we’re here to explain it all.


Overall, the government has been very even-handed, giving with one hand and taking back with the other hand. And I think we all know which hand is the bigger one. The most important points are that the Chancellor failed to deliver the longest ever budget speech, and failed to get paralytic by chugging on English plonk as she spoke.  If she had done either of those things, or cried again, then no-one would be talking about the budget measures at all.  Anyway, here is our in depth analysis of the separate budget measures:


VAT – the government promised not to put up the rate, and it didn’t. Cripes! But they did fiddle with some stuff at the margins. In a move that surprised no-one, books and newspapers remain VAT free. But the meeja had better watch its attitude.


Income Tax – the government promised not to put up the rate, although it had half promised that it would put up the rate, but it backed down due to the backlash. So the government has frozen personal allowances again, and that will cost you lots of dosh. Strangely, this seems more acceptable than whacking one or two pence on tax rates.


Corporation Tax – the government has decided not to increase corporation tax, as this would restrict businesses' ability to pay shareholders abroad, in tax havens, for shares held in trust and held by non-doms.  And it would reduce businesses' ability to make political donations, which are sorely needed, because times are hard for everyone.


Council Tax – you knew you were going to get whacked and you were.  Next time, check the manifestos for promises about Council Tax, sucker.


Mansion Tax – see Council Tax


Cost of Living – the government is trying to look vaguely socialist, and also to prop up the people who used to be its core vote before Reform and Plaid Cymru waltzed in. All of the benefits that were described in such gushing terms are wiped out by freezing income tax allowances. Soz. And the government will force you to drink unsweetened milk shakes, lard ass. On the plus side, the Chancellor dropped big hints to the Bank of England about cutting interest rates. And the government has worked out that it can fiddle the inflation figures by mucking about with energy prices.


Government spending – usual story. All talk and no action. But a driving test is still £62, same as it was in 2009. Boom! How’s that for keeping costs down?  (We aren't mentioning the ridiculous wait for a driving test, as it’s nowhere near as bad as the wait for NHS treatment.)


Productivity – a difficult issue. Didn’t have time to solve this one - there just aren't enough hours in the day, apparently.  So the issue is still in the pending tray.  Maybe AI could solve this?


All these budget measures are correct at the time of going to press and are subject to U-turns, particularly regarding the driving test.




bottom of page